Finding meaning and purpose for yourself and others

We have experienced times in our lives when we have lost our sense of meaning and purpose.  For some of you, you may be experiencing that right now in your life.

Sometimes it comes from a series of setbacks or disappointments or rejections or a general sense that your life has become bland and boring.

I was there last week.  I felt like I was Tom Hanks in Cast Away, drifting about on my raft, lost in the sea of my life.  And making it worse was a sense of powerlessness to do anything about it.

Fortunately, these episodes occur with less frequency in my life, partly because of a simple activity that I have been using that gets me back in touch with what is meaningful to me.  It helps me to stop drifting aimlessly.  Instead of being tossed about by my feelings of purposelessness, it allows me to find direction and meaning.

The activity comes courtesy of Russ Harris, a practitioner of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.   It takes just a few minutes to do.

Are you ready to begin?   Let’s go!

Start by answering this question: If someone were to interview your children or sisters or brothers on national TV years from now and ask them what were your greatest qualities, what are three things you would love them to say?

Jot down these three qualities.  These are things that are deeply important to you.  I suggest writing them down on a notecard  so you can display them somewhere prominent—like above your desk in your office.  These all-important qualities will serve as visual reminders to get you back on course when you find yourself drifting.

In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), these qualities are called values.   They are like the North Star that keeps our life heading in the direction of what is meaningful to us.  Instead of being steered by our feelings that come and go and change constantly, we are navigating through our lives steered by the constance of what is most important to us.

And these values will be different depending on the part of our life where we feel we are off course.  These parts of our life are called domains.  The question I asked about what you would want a loved one to say about you relates to the domain of family.  Other domains are work, friendship, and play.

To find your North Star for any of these domains, just make a simple adjustment to the question above.  So for the domain of work, think of someone at your place of employment that you admire.  Then adjust the question: If someone were to interview this person at work, what would you love him or her to say are your three greatest qualities as an employee or boss?

Again, jot your answers down so you can display them as a reminder of what is important for you in your work domain.  Do the same for the domains of friendships and play.

Now comes the hard part.  It takes courage and honesty.  Reflect on your answers for a particular domain and ask yourself this question:  When was the last time you felt you were truly living each of these three great qualities/values?

If the answer is “It seems like ages,” that may explain why you are feeling like you are drifting in your life right now like Tom Hanks’ character in Cast Away.

But there is great hope.  It’s never too late to find your North Star, to discover the values that will provide you with purpose.  The power of such discovery will be transformational.   And it will lead to a richer, fuller, more meaningful life for you.  When others in your life are drifting, ask them these same questions to help them find the purpose and meaning you found through them.

I wish you all well on your journey to greatness.

If you would like to work one-on-one on with me concerning an issue that is robbing you of your happiness such as depression, anxiety, relationships, negative thoughts, or esteem, contact me.  I’m at rjhandley.com.  Google my name if you’d like to find out more about me.

RJ Handley, Spiritual Life Coach

Here’s Today’s Weekday Intention

 

As I go through my day, I will pause when agitated or in doubt and ask God for the next right thought or action.

 

This intention has the power to transform your day.  And its power is in your own ability to notice when you are about to lose your temper or when you have become mired in doubt.  This self-awareness and the humility to ask God for guidance can transform any situation before it leads to regret.

 

By drawing on the power of the universe, you are opening yourself to radical new ways to respond to difficult situations.   Simply pause, ask God for guidance, and remain open to the answer that will come as a sudden, intuitive understanding of what to do next.

 

For those of you joining us for the first time, I am posting a Weekday intention Monday through Friday at 7 AM Denver time.  You can receive these as I post them on WordPress or receive them automatically in your email by going to blog.rjhandley.com and clicking the follow button or by entering your email address.   Please join us in changing the world one person at time beginning with ourselves.

 

This last Friday I posted the first Weekday intention.  The blog post is titled “The Power of Intention.”  Check it out in the Reader for more about the philosophy behind intentions and how they can change the way that you respond to life at work, at home, and at play.

 

These intentions have helped keep me attuned and connected to God’s power, love, and way of life. I created them based on my studies of authors such as Michael Singer, Thich Nhat Hanh, Eckhart Tolle, Ram Dass, Deepak Chopra, Adyashanti, Bill W. and others who are recognized masters of spiritual psychology.

 

Starting your day with the Weekday Intention is a great way to boot up with the spiritual software that will get you into alignment with your Higher Power. You will then find that your Higher Power responds to the intention by working within your environment and circumstances to support your intention.

 

Here’s how to activate the inherent power of each intention:

 

  • Before beginning the workday, find a quiet place to sit, free from distractions.
  • Let go of “doing” and focus on “being.”
  • Ask your Higher Power for the power to live your intention as fully as you can, knowing that each intention is something that you can do today that will improve who you are and bring about the best outcomes for all those you come in contact with today.
  • Breathe.
  • Place your hand on your heart and connect with yourself.
  • Say the intention to yourself until you can feel its power within you.
  • Ask your Higher Power to help keep you aware of and committed to each intention throughout the day.
  • Begin your workday.

Again, go to my blog and sign up and you will automatically receive your Weekday Intention.

If you would like to work one-on-one on with me concerning an issue that is robbing you of your happiness such as depression, anxiety, relationships, negative thoughts, or esteem, contact me.  I’m at rjhandley.com.  Google my name if you’d like to find out more about me.

Happy Intentional Living,

RJ Handley, Life Coach

A Fabulous Tool for AA Sponsors and Life Coaches

Change can be daunting for anyone.  Many of us immediately feel anxious just at the mention of the word.  This may be what Frederica Mathewes-Green had in mind with the quote:  “Everybody wants to be transformed, but nobody wants to change.”

Addicts can relate because one reason we drank was that alcohol transformed us—without us having to do any work.   Tragically, this transformation is temporary and becomes increasingly elusive.   Instead, we must do the hard work change requires to experience the transformation—the miracle—the Big Book talks about.

And championing lasting change is a huge part of what we do as sponsors and coaches for the still suffering alcoholic and addict.

One of the most effective tools I have used in my life coaching practice and in sponsoring is motivational interviewing (MI).  This technique acknowledges that all people experience ambivalence to change.  They want to make a change. Yet, at the same time, they don’t want to make a change.

The power of MI is that the techniques empower sponsees/clients to arrive at their own reasons for making beneficial changes.  In a sense, they motivate themselves to change.   This is crucial because addicts frequently come to us harangued by the well-meaning spouse, family member, or friend to “get it together.”  From our own experiences as addicts, we know this only creates resentments, not the desire to change.

But there’s good news.  The fundamental tenet of MI is that we all possess the capacity for positive change. It’s only a matter of activating it.

Although I cannot do MI justice in a short blog, I want to acquaint you will some of it concepts.  These are taken directly from “Chapter 3—Motivational Interviewing as a Counseling Style.” To find the article, Google that title.   It’s published by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (US).

Motivational interviewing is a counseling style based on the following concepts:

  • “Ambivalence about substance use (and change) is normal and constitutes an important motivational obstacle in recovery.”
  • “Ambivalence can be resolved by working with your client’s intrinsic motivations and values.”
  • “The alliance between you and your client is a collaborative partnership to which you each bring important expertise.”
  • “An empathetic, supportive, yet directive, counseling style provides conditions under which change can occur. (Direct argument and aggressive confrontation may tend to increase client defensiveness and reduce the likelihood of behavioral change.)”

The primary task for those of you who want to use the MI approach is to help the sponsee/client to recognize how life might be better and then for him or her to choose the ways to make that happen.

When using the MI approach, keep these five general principles from the chapter in mind:

  • “Express empathy through reflective listening.” Because we have survived the same shipwreck of addiction, we have the capacity to be empathetic.
  • “Develop discrepancy between clients’ goals or values and their current behavior.” Your role is to help focus your sponsee’s attention on how current behavior differs from his or her own ideal or desired behavior.
  • “Avoid argument and direct confrontation.  The goal is to ‘walk’ with clients (accompany clients through treatment), not ‘drag’ them along (direct clients’ treatment).”
  • “Adjust to client resistance rather than opposing it directly.  Resistance is a signal that the client views the situation differently. This requires you to understand your client’s perspective and proceed from there.”
  • “Support self-efficacy and optimism. Clients must ultimately come to believe that change is their responsibility and that long-term success begins with a single step forward. The AA motto, “one day at a time,” may help clients focus and embark on the immediate and small changes that they believe are feasible.”

This blog is meant only to be an introduction to the Motivational Interviewing approach.  By seeing some of its key concepts, my hope is that you may become interested in reading more about MI.  By doing so, you will significantly increase your effectiveness as a sponsor/coach when addressing the often sensitive issue of change for the still suffering of this world.  May God bless your work!

If you would like to work one-on-one on with me concerning an issue that is robbing you of your happiness such as depression, anxiety, relationships, negative thoughts, or esteem, contact me.  I’m at rjhandley.com.  Google my name if you’d like to find out more about me.

Kindly,

RJ Handley, Life Coach

Four Ways to Increase Your Joy

If you find that your life has become bland, boring, or blah, there are four easy ways to bring joy and vitality back to it.

In his brilliant Guide to Stress-free Living, Dr. Amit Sood of the Mayo Clinic, says that we will all experience an infusion of sparkle and zest in our lives if we awaken to novelty: the appreciation of uniqueness.

He suggests four ways to do this:  acceptance, transience, flexibility, and kindness.

Acceptance

“Our brains, designed as fault-find machines, need to be reprogrammed to seek and find joy,” says Soot. The downside of fault-finding is we lose our sense of enjoyment in what we are trying to improve. This holds true for family and friends alike.

When we treat these people in the same way as a fix-up project at home, we are adopting an air of superiority that distances ourselves from them.  Instead, notice their most positive attributes, and accept their flaws as you accept your own.

To increase your awareness of these winning traits, write them down.  When the person demonstrates the trait, let him or her know how much you appreciate it.  Nothing will incentivize the person more than praise.

Transience

This is your awareness of the finite. It is “a perception that this moment is precious because it will never repeat,” says Soot.   Life changes quickly.  Think about this:  How many more times will you see your dearest friend?  You don’t know.  It could be that she must suddenly relocate because she is needed at the Dallas office.

Cherish the time you have with these loved ones and be fully present to the novelty of your life experiences.  “Each day spent being partially present,” Soot says, “is a day that’s not fully lived,”

Flexibility

Soot recommends that we stay flexible in accommodating other people’s preferences.  It not so much what you do together, it is being together that is important.  Notice the novelty of what you are experiencing together in the moment.  You will find that others find enjoyment in our preferences if we express our enjoyment of theirs.

“Flexibility will come naturally if you’re genuinely interested in the other person.”

Kindness

Whether we are aware of it or not, kindness is a trait that we universally seek in other people, particularly those who have the honor to be within our inner circle.  People will respond positively to your kindness.  By blessing others, you will bless yourself.

“All the world’s spiritual teachings  instruct us to be kind,” says Soot.

Notice the difference in how you feel when you negatively judge someone verses when you see them through the eyes of compassion.  If in doubt about what to say in a situation with a loved one, ask yourself: Is it true?  Is it kind? Is it necessary?  A random act of kindness can light up a person’s entire day.

So search for the extraordinary in the ordinary until you can see the divine in all things.   Awaken to novelty by paying attention to the details that make people, animals, and nature unique.  Challenge yourself to engage in fresh experiences, especially those that push you beyond the boundaries of your comfort zone.  And infuse your daily experiences with acceptance, transience, flexibility, and kindness.  By putting these practices in action, your ho-hum like will be transformed by joy.

If you would like to work one-on-one on with me concerning an issue that is robbing you of your happiness such as depression, anxiety, relationships, negative thoughts, or esteem, contact me.  I’m at rjhandley.com.  Google my name if you’d like to find out more about me.

Kindly,

RJ Handley, Spiritual Life Coach