New Year, New Awareness

The New Year is a time of change. We make resolutions to inspire us to live fuller, more meaningful lives. Whether we are in recovery or needing to change the way we respond to life, becoming aware of our resentments and our shadow side can transform our lives.

Resentments are not just a problem for addicts but for all people. They can rob us of our happiness by returning us time and again to past unresolved pain. The AA 4th Step—“made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves”—is a time-honored means of clearing away the debris of our past for both addicts and non-addicts alike.

For those of us who are seeking even greater transformation, combining the 4th Step with shadow work can bring tremendous healing and wholeness to our lives. Not only are we doing some much needed psychological housecleaning in the 4th Step, but also uniting parts of ourselves together through shadow work that have been fragmented since childhood.

Let’s begin with the 4th Step—known as the housecleaning step—and then move into shadow work.

If we have the honesty that AA Co-founder Bill W. modeled for us, there is a lot of house cleaning each of us must do. This is true in early recovery and beyond. In fact, we probably will never finish cleaning house since life has a way of pointing out new rooms we need to clean.

When we begin our spiritual house cleaning, we do so by trusting God. Steps 1-3 created that trust. We came to believe that only God’s guidance could help us sort through the things in our lives that were worth keeping and the things that needed to be thrown out. And, if you are like me, that meant most things had to go. The heaviest lift was the obsession with our selves.

This self-centeredness kept us hypervigilant to other’s wrongdoings but blind to our own. We held onto these like they were sacred. They festered into resentments that filled us full of infection. Daily, someone in our life would step on one of our infected toes and our minds became filled with words and images from past imagined injustices we suffered. These became our personal stories. And the tighter we clung to them, the deeper we plunged into our addictive behaviors.

What Bill W. called our “number one offender,” these resentments nearly killed us. Because of this, they create an urgency for us to begin our 4th Step house cleaning. Soon, many of us will collapse in tears, so overwhelmed by the realization that we have been the creators of our own misery.

As we sift through the shambles of our house, we discover the “hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity” that caused us to “to step on the toes of others” and to suffer their retaliation” (BB, 62). Tragically, we had been trapped in the delusion that our thoughts, beliefs, and opinions were sane and rational. And we had continually justified our version of reality despite the suffering it caused us and others. The fact that we were surprised when others reacted harshly toward us only reveals how dysfunctional our house had become.

But our cleaning is not yet done. There exists in the dark corners of our inner basements things we have sensed and always feared. They are the boxes that contain all the qualities and traits that we dislike and have disowned in ourselves. These are elements that make up what psychologists call the shadow. And it takes tremendous courage to face what we have so long pushed away into the cellar of our unconscious minds.

Yet, it is our fearless commitment to our 4th Step that gets us down the stairs. There we come to realize that our resentments were the cries of shadow elements that we had kept hidden from ourselves in those basement boxes. When we refused to listen to them, we cast these shadow elements onto other people by what psychologists call projection. What we disliked in people were actually the traits we disliked and disowned in ourselves. And, like onto a screen, we projected them onto others. Maybe it was that guy you can’t stand because he always has to be right. Follow this link for a step-by-step approach to shadow work:

A thorough 4th Step leaves us with an incredible feeling of accomplishment. It gives us the confidence to continue our house cleaning. With self-compassion, we take the 5th Step by admitting to ourselves, to God, and to all we have harmed. The power of this step is that in admitting these flaws to others we make a verbal commitment to do the hard work to change.

In the 6th Step, we recognize that the only think worse than our character defects was defending them. New light has dawned, and we see that they were things that we had done, but they are not who we are. With that separation, we begin to loosen our grasp on these defects. We have made ourselves ready for Step 7. Here we ask God to help us do what we could never do before: to put down these self-destructive traits so we can open the door to freedom.

The miracle has happened. We have cleared the clutter and chaos from our house. For the first time in our lives, we can see with clarity who we truly are. This new found vision has brought us to Step 8 and has allowed us to clearly see who we have harmed.

We make the list, and we are now ready for the 9th Step. Through making amends to the people we have harmed, our house is now clean of past debris. A giant weight has been lifted. And now, through Steps 10-12, called the maintenance steps, we keep our house picked up and clean of what formally caused us so much suffering.

The amazing power of the 12 Steps has transformed us. Each step has empowered us to move from the fear-based operating system of the ego to the love-based operating system of our Higher Power. We have given up our selfish obsession with being the center of the universe. And with it, our frantic desire for control and power that had given us neither and had only made us best friends to loneliness. As we shed this toxic skin, we become more sensitive—more conscious—of the divinity within ourselves and in others; and we become more finely attuned to divinity’s voice that now inspires our thoughts, words, and actions.

Now, too, we find peace and deep comfort in the orderliness and sparkle of our newly cleaned house. We embody a vulnerability and a desire for connection that leaves the front door of our house unlocked to those who are now delighted to enter.

Reach out to me if you’d like to work one-on-one with the shadow process or with your addiction issues.

Kind Regards,

RJ Handley, Spiritual Life Coach

Some Lessons Ain’t Easy

I’ve had a tough few days with my mirrors.  I’m not liking what I see in them.  It’s not because I’m hung up on the effects of aging.  It’s because the mirrors are showing me what I am projecting on other people.  And that has caused me to stand back and see myself for who I really am.


Projection, in psychological terms, is a defense mechanism people unconsciously employ in order to avoid difficult feelings or emotions. It involves projecting undesirable feelings or emotions onto someone else, rather than dealing with the unwanted feelings ourselves.


One of the benefits of relationships is that they serve as mirrors that allow us to see these projections.  Two traits are inherent to projections: that we are frequently unaware of our own projections and that all of us employ them.


Because projections come from the subconscious mind, they literally blindside us.  And that was the case for me this week.   I saw myself mirrored back.


I was out at a major home improvement store with my girlfriend.  She is very aware of the problem I have with a person close to me who is continually embroiled in conflict.  It’s kind of like crack to him.  As my girlfriend and I walked up aisle after aisle looking for staples for my staple gun, I became more and more frustrated with not being able to find a clerk to help with our search.  Nearly a half-hour went by, and my frustration turned to anger.  So I approached the manager and vented at him.


Though my girlfriend was standing in line, she could overhear me talking with the manager.   When we got out to the parking lot, she told me how uncomfortable my anger made her feel.


Of course, like many of us, I began rationalizing my behavior, saying that I never attacked the character of the manager and that managers need to hear from customers about stores issues so they keep their customers and…


Well, she wasn’t buying it.  In fact, she turned it around on me saying that I was doing the very thing that I found objectionable in my close friend.   Ouch!


Talk about being T-boned at the intersection of Unawareness and Projection Avenue.  I had been motoring through the morning on my defense mechanisms:  first projection, then rationalization.


As a life coach, these kinds of realizations strike me as especially painful because I feel I should be beyond them.  After all, I’m very aware of the concept of projection.  But the truth is that I am often unaware of my own projections.  Knowledge is not necessarily awareness.


And that is why relationships are the most powerful driving force to self-awareness.  They help us to see our projections reflected back to us.  What we don’t like about ourselves, we project onto other people.  It’s little wonder we see some people as our enemies.


Relationship expert Guy Finley says that people we perceive as enemies are like angels in disguise.   They are in our lives as mirrors that show us the things we need to change in ourselves.  When we notice the behaviors of these difficult people, and they upset us, we are reacting to things in ourselves that we don’t like.   His practice when dealing with this issue in his own life is gratitude.  Silently, he says to the imagined enemy, “Thank you. I didn’t realize that about myself.”


I remember from my early days in AA an old-timer who would say time and again, “If you spot it, you got it.”  It took me ten years to realize the truth of that.


God is the master teacher.  Experiences, even the so-called negative ones, are lessons.  When the cast of characters changes in our lives, but that same troubling issue keeps resurfacing, it is clear that it is not the other person but ourselves that is the source of our suffering.  God, however, is keenly aware what lessons are crucial for our development, and he will not let us move on from the lesson until we have mastered it.


Though these lessons ain’t easy, they are the ones that hold the greatest potential for our personal growth. My home improvement experience turned out to be a self-improvement experience.


May I, and may all of us, have the humility and the courage to honestly see ourselves in the mirror of other people.  It is in those moments that we have the greatest opportunity for change.  When that happens, we will begin to truly admire the person we see in our mirrors.

If you would like to work one-on-one on with me concerning an issue that is robbing you of your happiness such as depression, anxiety, relationships, negative thoughts, or esteem, contact me.  I’m at  Google my name if you’d like to find out more about me.


RJ Handley, Spiritual Life Coach