Seven Benefits of Loneliness

Loneliness needs to be celebrated.   We are all familiar with the pang of loneliness, but few of us are aware of its perks.  Despite the stigma associated with loneliness, it may be one of the greatest contributors to creativity, productivity, spirituality, empathy, and, paradoxically, to relationship building.

Some of history’s most admired figures— Leonardo di Vinci, Shakespeare, Jesus—would be seen as lonely in today’s terms. “Language…has created the word ‘loneliness’ to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word ‘solitude’ to express the glory of being alone,” according to Theologian Paul Tillich, who sees the duality of being alone.

Our Growing Sense of Loneliness

As a nation, we appear to be getting lonelier. Ironically, as we have become more and more connected through social media, the lonelier we have become.  The latest Census figures show that 31 million Americans are living alone, which accounts for nearly 10 percent of the US population and one quarter of all US households.

And recent studies reveal that chronic loneliness has increased dramatically over the last decades. In the 1970s and 1980s, the percentage of Americans who regularly felt lonely was between 11- 20 percent. By 2010, it had increased to 40 – 45 percent, according to a nationally representative study by the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP).

A 2016 Harris Poll found that 72 percent of Americans admit to feeling lonely at least once a week.

Whether it is chronic or occasional, most people feel the pang of loneliness. Social scientists believe that part of people’s painful reactions to loneliness is due to the social stigma that modern psychology has attached to it. Those who suffer from loneliness often see themselves as social defectives.

Solitude is loneliness’ happier cousin

Although both describe a state of being alone, the difference between loneliness and solitude is choice. When people make the conscious choice to be alone, they experience solitude. When being alone is not a choice, people experience loneliness.   Loneliness implies an undesirable state whereas solitude suggests a desirable one.

As you know from my previous blogs, I see relationships with others as being one of the most crucial facets of life. As human beings, we are built for relationships. They have the power to make us more emotionally mature, revealing to us our blind spots and the areas in our life where we have problems giving or receiving love.

Yet, psychologists are also realizing the need for time alone to nourish a balanced life. Twitter, Facebook, and SnapChat are wonderful for social snacking, but we need the nourishment of solitude in order to sustain a healthy lifestyle, which includes the demands of work, family, and friendships.

Here’s why:

The Benefits of Solitude

  1. Solitude can infuse relationships with freshness.   Time alone from loved ones spent reading, playing music, completing projects, or exploring new ideas can breathe fresh life into a tired relationship.

 

  1. Solitude allows us to recharge our batteries. This is truer for introverts than extroverts, but everyone needs time alone with their thoughts and feelings.

 

  1. Solitude provides us with the focus to problem solve. The corporate model of teaming can increase productivity, but it comes at a cost for those who may feel marginalized. This outside or minority voice is often silenced when it would appear to go against the prevailing grain of group thinking.

 

  1. Solitude fosters productivity. There are vocations that require time alone. Artists, writers, musicians, and others require solitude in order to create.

 

  1. Solitude is especially important for teens. They need time alone from self-consciousness and peer pressure to develop their own sense of personal identity.

 

  1. Solitude deepens our desire for connectedness with others. Although this seems paradoxical, we need time alone in order to greater cherish the time we have with loved ones.

 

  1. Solitude gives us the inner space to improve our conscious contact with God.   Prayer and meditation require freedom from distractions.

 

If we can recognize that being alone is a part of a balanced life, maybe we could shift our perspective on loneliness. When we become aware that being alone is not always the personal crisis that we were taught to believe, then we can embrace our loneliness, dispel some of the negative emotions associated with it, and see it for the benefits it can bring to us. In fact, if we apply its benefits, loneliness may even become a friend. Then loneliness becomes solitude.

20 Ways to Move from Loneliness to Friendship

rjhandley.com

I’m not good with people.  I’m too shy.  I’ve got nothing to offer.  I’m not a people person. Sound familiar?

Regardless of our age, we have probably suffered a few of these thoughts. But take comfort. You are not alone in this thinking.

A whopping 72 percent of Americans admit to loneliness, according to a survey done by the Harris Poll in 2016.

Personally, I was shocked to read that statistic. Then again, since leaving the super social world of public school teaching, I have felt the pangs of loneliness. The truth is that so often in jobs that require us to be around many people, we confuse quantity with quality of relationships. Whether we are younger or older, many of these relationships quickly fall away after we leave our current job. Often this is because we don’t socialize with our colleagues outside the bonds of work.

Our story is not unusual, as relationship experts tell us: “After 30, people often experience internal shifts in how they approach friendship. Self-discovery gives way to self-knowledge, so you become pickier about whom you surround yourself with,” says Marla Paul in her book The Friendship Crisis: Finding, Making, and Keeping Friends When You’re Not a Kid Anymore.

We must push and prod ourselves, regardless of our age, to seek out others. This is especially true when our children have left, and we feel the emptiness of our home. Start this process of seeking out others with compassionate self-honesty.

Right now, journal your thoughts about what relationship baggage you are carrying.  Everybody has some.  When we become aware of these things, we become more connected to ourselves.  And self-connection is necessary for connection to others.

After you have done this, inventory your passions.  Margaret Manning, writing for the Huffington Post, says to “chase your passions, not people.”  Operate from a position of strength, not weakness.  Know what fires your passions and then get involved with others whose passions you share, she says.  This way we meet people on an “equal footing.”

This next step requires courage and may be the reason why our lives are filled with acquaintances but not friends.   We have to move from being around others to “inviting others in” as Manning says.  We need to initiate, inviting people to join us for dinner or to attend an event or to participate in a project.  If we play it safe and wait for others to act, we will be waiting a long time.

“Become a joiner,” says speaker and workshop presenter Dr. Kathy Jordan. Many people say that they “don’t join groups.”  Her recommendation: “Accept your discomfort, and do it anyway.”

The good news! According to Diane Cole, of The Wall Street Journal, there are “a surge of people” who are “not only eager to make friends and develop relationships, they’re actively pursuing these social interactions.”

Places to meet people regardless of your age:

  1. Take a class at your neighborhood rec center.
  2. Form a book club—even if it’s only you and another person.
  3. Join a church or take a meditation or yoga class
  4. Join a support group: tackle your fear and get the help that you need to overcome an addiction.
  5. Travel.
  6. Check out Meetup.com. You may be surprised to find that there are others who share your passion who are already meeting together.
  7. Volunteer at a shelter.
  8. Join a non-profit.
  9. Invite people over for dinner. If you’re not a great cook, make it a potluck.
  10. Neighbors: Invite one of them to do something and move from acquaintance to friendship.
  11. Join an online forum: this may lead to meeting other people.
  12. Head to the dog park.
  13. Attend conferences, especially those that involve an overnight commitment.
  14. Join a hobby group.
  15. Facebook: make a play date.
  16. ManKind Project: work on self-improvement with men who are seeking the same.
  17. Join a gym: workout and join a class there.
  18. Work on your landscaping in the front yard. Passersby are always curious.
  19. Tours: go on a group tour.
  20. Take walks on public trails. Start a conversation with a fellow walker.

Your efforts to “put yourself out there” will pay big dividends. Remember, that you need to be seen to be known.  So make the commitment to engage with others, and you will find the vital freshness that new friends can bring to your life.

I welcome any of your ideas or suggestions about how to move from loneliness to friendship.

 

 

 

10 Reasons to Get Off Your Relationship Badonkadonk

When I was drinking, I would often discount the importance of relationships.  In recovery, I now know why.  I wasn’t good at them.

Relationships are one of the most crucial parts of our lives. We are built for relationship, and we need them to thrive.

Everything is relational.  Nothing exists in isolation.   Look at nature.   The tree that I see from my window has a relationship to the air, to the sun, to the soil, and to itself.  How much more is true for us as complex human beings?

In previous posts, I have shared my own experiences and the wisdom of relationship experts.  Relationships are so critically important that I ask you to put down all the baggage you’re carrying from past relationships so that you can open the door to new possibilities.

Past hurts and fear of rejection can immobilize us.  We often, then, resort to our default setting of isolation, preferring loneliness to the fear of engaging.

Here is a list of the benefits of friendships and partnership.  I provide these in hopes that you will summon the courage to put your fear in the backseat and get out there and live the life that is waiting for you:

  • Relationships satisfy our need for connection.
  • Relationships are the greatest catalyst for growth.
  • Relationships enable us to better give and receive love.
  • Relationships bring fresh perspectives to our lives.
  • Relationships open us to new experiences.
  • Relationships help us see our blind spots.
  • Relationships provide support.
  • Relationships make us better at relationships.
  • Relationships deepen our understanding of ourselves.
  • Relationships are fun,  dammit!                                                                                                                                   Next time, I’ll share about ways to meet other people so that you start enjoying the benefits listed above.

My Story

rjhandley.com

It was nearly 10 years ago that a Big Book quote came true for me: “Someday the [alcoholic] will be unable to imagine life with alcohol or without it.  Then he will know loneliness such as few do” (BB 152).

It may have seemed to others that my life was like a Lexus, but inside I was really a rusted out AMC Pacer.  I was on the brink of bankruptcy after my business partner lost all our working capital in the stock market. My reaction was to descend deeper into abyss of my drinking.

I was literally a fall down drunk. Despite tearing my rotator cuff and then later breaking seven ribs in two drunken falls, I was too prideful to seek out AA for the help I desperately needed.  Although I knew I was an alcoholic, I could not tolerate the stigma of being labeled one.

With my wife set on leaving me, my friends having abandoned me, and my credit card debt reaching $60,000, I lived a life of loneliness and despair that few non-alcoholics experience.  In agony, I finally reached out to my alcoholic sister who encouraged me to attend an AA meeting.  It is through AA and the grace of God that I got sober and remain so after 10 years.

So this blog is really my way of giving back to a program that literally saved my life.  Like many of you, the 12 Steps were my portal into a spiritual awakening.   Sponsorship keeps me involved in the program, but I continue to hunger for more inspired texts like the Big Book to nourish my spiritual growth.   I have read many, and a year and a half ago I went back to school to become a Spiritual Life Coach.  Through this blog, I hope that I can share some of the spiritual truths that have brought a wonderful sense of joy and contentedness to my life.