Embrace Your Mistakes

The difference between the wise man and a fool is that a fool’s mistakes never teach him anything.

 

I believe that at the heart of this popular expression is personal responsibility.   The wise man takes personal responsibility for his mistakes; the fool blames others for his own.

 

The most powerful lessons we learn are from our own failures. The hidden power of mistakes is that they are the very ore from which wisdom is produced.  It is the alchemy of turning the base metals of error into something precious—and lasting.  We arrive at a higher level of consciousness when we take personal responsibility for our mistakes.

 

Equally important are the insights into our characters that mistakes can provide.  Mistakes, especially those that cause others pain and suffering, are like mirrors.  They reflect back to us moments when we were too self-absorbed to respond thoughtfully to others.  For example, failing to express gratitude for a friend’s help.

 

How can we change if we are unaware of our weaknesses?  We can’t fix what we can’t see.  Mistakes offer us a chance to discover our weaknesses and an opportunity to change.

 

All of us will experience lapses of awareness that lead to mistakes.  We are all flawed beings and that is a part of our shared human experience.  It is the way that we respond to mistakes that is the difference between the wise and the foolish.  It is the fool who will find a way to blame others to cover for his or her own social unconsciousness.   The wise person avoids excuses and will promptly take responsibility for his or her errors.

 

In Alcoholics Anonymous, we learn that honesty in “all our affairs” is what gets us sober.  When we look at the problems we create for ourselves and others, we see where we were at fault and we promptly admit our mistakes to those we have wronged.

 

As long as we blame others for our problems, we don’t have to change anything about ourselves.  No personal responsibility, unfortunately, means no wisdom, no growth, no emotional maturity.

 

In my life coaching practice, I have found that clients who struggle the most with personal relationships are those who are emotionally immature.   And that immaturity is because of an unwillingness to hold themselves personally accountable for their character flaws and the mistakes in judgement they cause.

 

Psychologist maintain that the average adult is really only about 14-years-old emotionally.  Many of us are really adolescents in adult bodies.  One of the greatest contributors to living in an extended adolescence is a failure to learn and grow emotionally from our mistakes.

 

And this is understandable in our current culture that places so much emphasis on self-esteem.  In her book Self-Compassion, Kristen Neff states, “People who are focused on maintaining high self-esteem will not look at themselves honestly because doing so will lower their self-esteem.  They, therefore, blame others for their own problems rather than taking responsibility for creating them.”

 

Self-esteem is dependent on forces outside ourselves.  It is based on the approval of others.  In the social media world of Facebook, people live and die according to how many “likes” they have received from a post.  Self-esteem then becomes something determined by popular vote.  This pre-occupation with building and maintaining self-esteem is not only the domain of social media but also finds a strong presence in our classrooms, our school-sponsored athletics, and in our families.

 

When we refuse to accept personal responsibility for our mistakes, we deny ourselves the opportunity to become more skillful and competent people.

 

Instead of self-esteem, Neff recommends self-compassion.   Self-compassion is internalized, and it is not about excuses but acceptance.  It is about treating ourselves as our best friend.  Unlike self-esteem, its pursuit doesn’t shy us away from our own personal responsibility   In practicing it, we hold ourselves accountable while, Neff says, reminding ourselves in moments of falling down that failure is part of the shared human experience.  We embrace our mistakes rather than looking away from them.

 

Though mistakes feel unpleasant, they offer a powerful catalyst for change, for self-awareness, and for emotional growth.  By having the courage to admit our mistakes, we open the door to learning and emotionally growing from them.  In doing so, we cultivate the capacity to respond more maturely and more skillfully in relationships with friends, family, and colleagues.  And that’s one of the beautiful things about life.  It continually offers us opportunities to move from living as the fool to thriving as the wise.

A new way of seeing life

Life has changed dramatically for me in the last three months. I haven’t won the lottery or become Time magazine’s Person of the Year.  And my spiritual life coaching practice has yet to take off.

Yet, I am experiencing a happiness about life that I have never experienced before. I’m so excited about it that I want to share it with you.

And it’s yours, too, free for the taking.

It began a few months back while I was reading Eckhart Tolle’s A New Earth.  One of Tolle’s recommendations for a more joyful life was to “see the divine in all things” and to feel it in yourself.

The idea stuck with me for a while in all its glory but faded like a sunset. Then, while reading Adyashanti’s book Resurrecting Jesus, I came across a quote by Thomas Merton: “Life is this simple: we are living in a world that is absolutely transparent and the divine is shining through it all the time.”

Bam! The lights turned on again. Merton’s quote reanimated Tolle’s words about seeing the divine in all things. And that light has remained radiant since.

Like undergoing Lasik, I’m seeing life with a clarity I haven’t experienced even during the “pink cloud” days of my sobriety. Its effect has transformed the way I see and react to life.  And my friends and family have experienced a ripple effect from this shift as well.

How has this shift in seeing expressed itself in my life? Simple: I’m excited about life.

By seeing the divine in all things, I’m no longer battling life. I’m finally able to put into practice the Big Book quote about “living life on life’s terms.”  Amazingly, this is true even during the moments when I would normally pick up the sword again to fight against what my ego perceives as threats.

I accept life now. Fighting life was what fueled my alcoholism. By fighting life, I was fighting God.  It’s not surprising that I sucked at life.

When I see the divine in all things and feel it within myself, I form a very deep and intimate connection with God through life. In this deepened relational state, I feel in sync with life as it unfolds…even the experiences that I perceive as negative.  All experiences are lessons for my ultimate good and growth.

By seeing the divine in all things, I also see people differently. As children of God, we each have the spirit of God in us just as a drop of ocean water contains the essence of the ocean. I now see people as divine beings first and their roles second.  Whether it’s chatting with someone in the line at the grocery store or dealing with a DMV agent, I am in contact with God.  How can this truth not be transformative—and exciting!

I invite you to adopt the idea of seeing the divine in all things. Consciously look for it in all things—at work, at home, and at play—in all the things that you do today and in all the people you come in contact today.  Look for “the divine shining through.”  Look at life through this new pair of glasses.   I would love to hear from you about what you see!