The Way to Better Living

I was first formally introduced to the concept of Self-mastery when I began my coursework to become a certified spiritual life coach.  There was nothing that I wanted more than to become Self-mastered.   Ah, to be like Jesus or Buddha. Ah, to have such command of myself.  How fabulous to…

Then the dream collapsed with a thud under the weight of these insane expectations of myself.   I nearly gave up before even starting.  Then I learned that Self-mastery is actually attainable in this life.  Yay! Re-start the music!

In his book, Self-mastery: A Journey Home to Your Inner Self, Hu Dalconzo states that those of us who live just 51 percent of our days from the spirit rather than from the ego can consider themselves Self-mastered.  This gave me great hope.

Quick Psych Tidbits

The term ego-mind or just ego refers to that part of our selves that is devoted to creating a sense of safety, security, and control.   The term spirit is that part of our selves that is divine or eternal.  Some call it the soul.

The Issue

The ego is an exquisite instrument.  It developed in response to a prehistoric environment that was fraught with threats from predators and warring tribes.  And it worked.  We evolved into the world’s dominant species.  But the ego is a fear-based operating system.  In our desire to feel safe, secure, and in control 24/7, we have empowered it to steer and command our lives.

Spiritual psychologists say that the ego makes a wonderful servant but a terrible master.  That’s because it puts our consciousness into hyper-arousal, relentlessly scanning for perceived threats and often misreading situations that really pose no threat at all.

This is why consciousness is so often focused on disturbance rather than on what is pleasant.  As a result, the ego engages the mind to “endlessly reprocess the past and endlessly worry about the future,” according to Michael Singer, author of The Untethered Soul.

Spirit, on the other hand, is a love-based operating system.  Where the ego is about separation, the spirit is about unity.  These are diametrically opposed operating systems.  And psychologists are recognizing that humans operate out of just two modes:  love or fear.  When we are experiencing fear, we are in the grips of ego.  When we are experiencing love, we are in the domain of Spirit.  We can’t feel fear and feel love at the same time and vice versa.

So the task of Self-mastery is to force the ego to the back seat and place the spirit at the wheel.  My job as a spiritual life coach is to help people through this process.   It involves training the mind to anchor in the present moment rather than forever drifting between past and present.  No small task.  But Self-mastery is about progress, not perfection.

When I teach my clients about Self-mastery, I don’t require them to continually monitor their thinking, being vigilant to replace every negative thought with a positive one.  I don’t even ask them to devote long hours to meditation.  Instead, I teach them two Zen-like concepts: the narrative mind and the experiencing mind.

The narrative mind is the one that is committed to maintaining and contributing to the storyline that we have created from past experiences. What doesn’t comply with that story, it dismisses.  The narrative mind is the fortress of the ego and is fixated on either the past or the future.  Little wonder our thoughts are so often negative, producing feelings of regret and anxiety.

The experiencing mind, on the other hand, is committed to experiencing the present moment.  This is where life happens.  This is the domain of spirit.  And if we pay attention to the here and now, we are often rewarded with positive thoughts and frequently a sense of joy.

Self-mastery, then, is really a practice of living life through the experiencing mind.   By intentionally training our minds to focus on what is happening in the here and now, we can experience the true art of living.

Trappist monk Thomas Merton said, “Life is this simple:  We are living in a world that is absolutely transparent and the divine is shining through it all the time.  This is not just a nice story or a fable; it is true.”

When we make it our goal to see the divine in all things and to feel it within ourselves, we are really experiencing what Self-mastery is all about.  It takes some practice, but the results will transform your life. Join me in pursing this goal of Self-mastery and experience a state of intimate awareness of life that opens us up to all its splendor.  It’s a great ride.

 

 

 

 

Seven Benefits of Loneliness

Loneliness needs to be celebrated.   We are all familiar with the pang of loneliness, but few of us are aware of its perks.  Despite the stigma associated with loneliness, it may be one of the greatest contributors to creativity, productivity, spirituality, empathy, and, paradoxically, to relationship building.

Some of history’s most admired figures— Leonardo di Vinci, Shakespeare, Jesus—would be seen as lonely in today’s terms. “Language…has created the word ‘loneliness’ to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word ‘solitude’ to express the glory of being alone,” according to Theologian Paul Tillich, who sees the duality of being alone.

Our Growing Sense of Loneliness

As a nation, we appear to be getting lonelier. Ironically, as we have become more and more connected through social media, the lonelier we have become.  The latest Census figures show that 31 million Americans are living alone, which accounts for nearly 10 percent of the US population and one quarter of all US households.

And recent studies reveal that chronic loneliness has increased dramatically over the last decades. In the 1970s and 1980s, the percentage of Americans who regularly felt lonely was between 11- 20 percent. By 2010, it had increased to 40 – 45 percent, according to a nationally representative study by the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP).

A 2016 Harris Poll found that 72 percent of Americans admit to feeling lonely at least once a week.

Whether it is chronic or occasional, most people feel the pang of loneliness. Social scientists believe that part of people’s painful reactions to loneliness is due to the social stigma that modern psychology has attached to it. Those who suffer from loneliness often see themselves as social defectives.

Solitude is loneliness’ happier cousin

Although both describe a state of being alone, the difference between loneliness and solitude is choice. When people make the conscious choice to be alone, they experience solitude. When being alone is not a choice, people experience loneliness.   Loneliness implies an undesirable state whereas solitude suggests a desirable one.

As you know from my previous blogs, I see relationships with others as being one of the most crucial facets of life. As human beings, we are built for relationships. They have the power to make us more emotionally mature, revealing to us our blind spots and the areas in our life where we have problems giving or receiving love.

Yet, psychologists are also realizing the need for time alone to nourish a balanced life. Twitter, Facebook, and SnapChat are wonderful for social snacking, but we need the nourishment of solitude in order to sustain a healthy lifestyle, which includes the demands of work, family, and friendships.

Here’s why:

The Benefits of Solitude

  1. Solitude can infuse relationships with freshness.   Time alone from loved ones spent reading, playing music, completing projects, or exploring new ideas can breathe fresh life into a tired relationship.

 

  1. Solitude allows us to recharge our batteries. This is truer for introverts than extroverts, but everyone needs time alone with their thoughts and feelings.

 

  1. Solitude provides us with the focus to problem solve. The corporate model of teaming can increase productivity, but it comes at a cost for those who may feel marginalized. This outside or minority voice is often silenced when it would appear to go against the prevailing grain of group thinking.

 

  1. Solitude fosters productivity. There are vocations that require time alone. Artists, writers, musicians, and others require solitude in order to create.

 

  1. Solitude is especially important for teens. They need time alone from self-consciousness and peer pressure to develop their own sense of personal identity.

 

  1. Solitude deepens our desire for connectedness with others. Although this seems paradoxical, we need time alone in order to greater cherish the time we have with loved ones.

 

  1. Solitude gives us the inner space to improve our conscious contact with God.   Prayer and meditation require freedom from distractions.

 

If we can recognize that being alone is a part of a balanced life, maybe we could shift our perspective on loneliness. When we become aware that being alone is not always the personal crisis that we were taught to believe, then we can embrace our loneliness, dispel some of the negative emotions associated with it, and see it for the benefits it can bring to us. In fact, if we apply its benefits, loneliness may even become a friend. Then loneliness becomes solitude.