Living Life in Disguise

I was amazed to recently learn just how many men struggle to connect with other men.   When asked to answer the question, “What don’t you want other people to know about you?” a surprising number of the 24 men I had joined for a weekend training stated that they had difficulty creating deep and lasting friendships with other men.

I must admit that I was one of those men. And I was also one of those men who felt a tremendous sense of relief to be reminded that I was not alone in this struggle.

It’s been just over a week since I attended what’s called the New Warriors Training Adventure hosted by the ManKind Project, an international nonprofit that seeks to empower men to become more self-aware, and in the process become more emotionally mature and more skilled in relationships at home, at work, and at play.

During that weekend, one of the most transformative of my life, I realized at a deeper level that I can survive but never thrive without connection.

I remember the show Cheers with its theme song saying, “You wanna be where you can see, our troubles are all the same. You wanna be where everybody knows your name.”  I felt a temporary connection with Sam Malone and company while watching, but it also left me feeling hollow in the absence of those connections in my real life.

It wasn’t until I entered the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous ten years ago that I began to witness the power of connection. Yes, our troubles were all the same, and we learned from the old timers in the group that you can’t save your ass and save your face at the same time.

Facing death by alcohol has the power of waking a man up to living life by honesty.

Like with my experience with AA, the ManKind Project has helped me realize that I have a choice: I can live life fully by allowing others to really see me as I am or I can live life partially by pretending to be who I am not.

I admire the spiritual teacher Ram Dass. He said as a challenge to those who live their life playing a role rather than themselves, “Are we always going to meet on the stage? Don’t we ever take off the costumes?”

When asked why he cherished working with people who were on their deathbeds, Ram Dass said that imminent death had a way of removing the mask of who we pretend to be to reveal the beauty of who we are.

Many of us don’t want to remove the costume because we have invested a lifetime in creating it. Others may believe that living the illusion is more exciting than living the reality of who we are.

I was moved recently by learning the top regrets of people who are in hospice care. In the top five was the regret of not allowing others to truly know them, to experience the truth of who they are.

I’ve learned that it’s an impossibility to live our lives with any deep connection if we hide from others who we really are. We need to “get down from the stage so that we live out, not act out our lives,” says Joyce Block in her book Family Myths.

We must dare to be vulnerable if we dare to connect. In our early days together, my girlfriend expressed her frustration with trying to read me.  She said I was often opaque to her.  She asked, “So RJ, you don’t like small talk and you don’t like being emotionally intimate.  How do people connect with you?”  Ouch.

But I ask you that same question. How are men or women going to connect to you?  Are they going to connect superficially to the actor? Or are you willing to take the risk of removing your costume and descending the stage into your genuine self?

Help another person out by sharing in the comments what you have done to shed your costume.

20 Ways to Move from Loneliness to Friendship

rjhandley.com

I’m not good with people.  I’m too shy.  I’ve got nothing to offer.  I’m not a people person. Sound familiar?

Regardless of our age, we have probably suffered a few of these thoughts. But take comfort. You are not alone in this thinking.

A whopping 72 percent of Americans admit to loneliness, according to a survey done by the Harris Poll in 2016.

Personally, I was shocked to read that statistic. Then again, since leaving the super social world of public school teaching, I have felt the pangs of loneliness. The truth is that so often in jobs that require us to be around many people, we confuse quantity with quality of relationships. Whether we are younger or older, many of these relationships quickly fall away after we leave our current job. Often this is because we don’t socialize with our colleagues outside the bonds of work.

Our story is not unusual, as relationship experts tell us: “After 30, people often experience internal shifts in how they approach friendship. Self-discovery gives way to self-knowledge, so you become pickier about whom you surround yourself with,” says Marla Paul in her book The Friendship Crisis: Finding, Making, and Keeping Friends When You’re Not a Kid Anymore.

We must push and prod ourselves, regardless of our age, to seek out others. This is especially true when our children have left, and we feel the emptiness of our home. Start this process of seeking out others with compassionate self-honesty.

Right now, journal your thoughts about what relationship baggage you are carrying.  Everybody has some.  When we become aware of these things, we become more connected to ourselves.  And self-connection is necessary for connection to others.

After you have done this, inventory your passions.  Margaret Manning, writing for the Huffington Post, says to “chase your passions, not people.”  Operate from a position of strength, not weakness.  Know what fires your passions and then get involved with others whose passions you share, she says.  This way we meet people on an “equal footing.”

This next step requires courage and may be the reason why our lives are filled with acquaintances but not friends.   We have to move from being around others to “inviting others in” as Manning says.  We need to initiate, inviting people to join us for dinner or to attend an event or to participate in a project.  If we play it safe and wait for others to act, we will be waiting a long time.

“Become a joiner,” says speaker and workshop presenter Dr. Kathy Jordan. Many people say that they “don’t join groups.”  Her recommendation: “Accept your discomfort, and do it anyway.”

The good news! According to Diane Cole, of The Wall Street Journal, there are “a surge of people” who are “not only eager to make friends and develop relationships, they’re actively pursuing these social interactions.”

Places to meet people regardless of your age:

  1. Take a class at your neighborhood rec center.
  2. Form a book club—even if it’s only you and another person.
  3. Join a church or take a meditation or yoga class
  4. Join a support group: tackle your fear and get the help that you need to overcome an addiction.
  5. Travel.
  6. Check out Meetup.com. You may be surprised to find that there are others who share your passion who are already meeting together.
  7. Volunteer at a shelter.
  8. Join a non-profit.
  9. Invite people over for dinner. If you’re not a great cook, make it a potluck.
  10. Neighbors: Invite one of them to do something and move from acquaintance to friendship.
  11. Join an online forum: this may lead to meeting other people.
  12. Head to the dog park.
  13. Attend conferences, especially those that involve an overnight commitment.
  14. Join a hobby group.
  15. Facebook: make a play date.
  16. ManKind Project: work on self-improvement with men who are seeking the same.
  17. Join a gym: workout and join a class there.
  18. Work on your landscaping in the front yard. Passersby are always curious.
  19. Tours: go on a group tour.
  20. Take walks on public trails. Start a conversation with a fellow walker.

Your efforts to “put yourself out there” will pay big dividends. Remember, that you need to be seen to be known.  So make the commitment to engage with others, and you will find the vital freshness that new friends can bring to your life.

I welcome any of your ideas or suggestions about how to move from loneliness to friendship.