We have experienced times in our lives when we have lost our sense of meaning and purpose. For some of you, you may be experiencing that right now in your life.
Sometimes it comes from a series of setbacks or disappointments or rejections or a general sense that your life has become bland and boring.
I was there last week. I felt like I was Tom Hanks in Cast Away, drifting about on my raft, lost in the sea of my life. And making it worse was a sense of powerlessness to do anything about it.
Fortunately, these episodes occur with less frequency in my life, partly because of a simple activity that I have been using that gets me back in touch with what is meaningful to me. It helps me to stop drifting aimlessly. Instead of being tossed about by my feelings of purposelessness, it allows me to find direction and meaning.
The activity comes courtesy of Russ Harris, a practitioner of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. It takes just a few minutes to do.
Are you ready to begin? Let’s go!
Start by answering this question: If someone were to interview your children or sisters or brothers on national TV years from now and ask them what were your greatest qualities, what are three things you would love them to say?
Jot down these three qualities. These are things that are deeply important to you. I suggest writing them down on a notecard so you can display them somewhere prominent—like above your desk in your office. These all-important qualities will serve as visual reminders to get you back on course when you find yourself drifting.
In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), these qualities are called values. They are like the North Star that keeps our life heading in the direction of what is meaningful to us. Instead of being steered by our feelings that come and go and change constantly, we are navigating through our lives steered by the constance of what is most important to us.
And these values will be different depending on the part of our life where we feel we are off course. These parts of our life are called domains. The question I asked about what you would want a loved one to say about you relates to the domain of family. Other domains are work, friendship, and play.
To find your North Star for any of these domains, just make a simple adjustment to the question above. So for the domain of work, think of someone at your place of employment that you admire. Then adjust the question: If someone were to interview this person at work, what would you love him or her to say are your three greatest qualities as an employee or boss?
Again, jot your answers down so you can display them as a reminder of what is important for you in your work domain. Do the same for the domains of friendships and play.
Now comes the hard part. It takes courage and honesty. Reflect on your answers for a particular domain and ask yourself this question: When was the last time you felt you were truly living each of these three great qualities/values?
If the answer is “It seems like ages,” that may explain why you are feeling like you are drifting in your life right now like Tom Hanks’ character in Cast Away.
But there is great hope. It’s never too late to find your North Star, to discover the values that will provide you with purpose. The power of such discovery will be transformational. And it will lead to a richer, fuller, more meaningful life for you. When others in your life are drifting, ask them these same questions to help them find the purpose and meaning you found through them.
I wish you all well on your journey to greatness.
If you’d like to be free of your addiction, please contact me at ValuesBasedRecovery@gmail.com. I work with people who suffer from alcohol and drug addiction as well as behavioral addictions such as food, porn, and gambling. I work with clients in person or on the Zoom live video platform.
RJ Handley, Addiction Recovery Coach