Four Ways to Increase Your Joy

If you find that your life has become bland, boring, or blah, there are four easy ways to bring joy and vitality back to it.

In his brilliant Guide to Stress-free Living, Dr. Amit Sood of the Mayo Clinic, says that we will all experience an infusion of sparkle and zest in our lives if we awaken to novelty: the appreciation of uniqueness.

He suggests four ways to do this:  acceptance, transience, flexibility, and kindness.

Acceptance

“Our brains, designed as fault-find machines, need to be reprogrammed to seek and find joy,” says Soot. The downside of fault-finding is we lose our sense of enjoyment in what we are trying to improve. This holds true for family and friends alike.

When we treat these people in the same way as a fix-up project at home, we are adopting an air of superiority that distances ourselves from them.  Instead, notice their most positive attributes, and accept their flaws as you accept your own.

To increase your awareness of these winning traits, write them down.  When the person demonstrates the trait, let him or her know how much you appreciate it.  Nothing will incentivize the person more than praise.

Transience

This is your awareness of the finite. It is “a perception that this moment is precious because it will never repeat,” says Soot.   Life changes quickly.  Think about this:  How many more times will you see your dearest friend?  You don’t know.  It could be that she must suddenly relocate because she is needed at the Dallas office.

Cherish the time you have with these loved ones and be fully present to the novelty of your life experiences.  “Each day spent being partially present,” Soot says, “is a day that’s not fully lived,”

Flexibility

Soot recommends that we stay flexible in accommodating other people’s preferences.  It not so much what you do together, it is being together that is important.  Notice the novelty of what you are experiencing together in the moment.  You will find that others find enjoyment in our preferences if we express our enjoyment of theirs.

“Flexibility will come naturally if you’re genuinely interested in the other person.”

Kindness

Whether we are aware of it or not, kindness is a trait that we universally seek in other people, particularly those who have the honor to be within our inner circle.  People will respond positively to your kindness.  By blessing others, you will bless yourself.

“All the world’s spiritual teachings  instruct us to be kind,” says Soot.

Notice the difference in how you feel when you negatively judge someone verses when you see them through the eyes of compassion.  If in doubt about what to say in a situation with a loved one, ask yourself: Is it true?  Is it kind? Is it necessary?  A random act of kindness can light up a person’s entire day.

So search for the extraordinary in the ordinary until you can see the divine in all things.   Awaken to novelty by paying attention to the details that make people, animals, and nature unique.  Challenge yourself to engage in fresh experiences, especially those that push you beyond the boundaries of your comfort zone.  And infuse your daily experiences with acceptance, transience, flexibility, and kindness.  By putting these practices in action, your ho-hum like will be transformed by joy.

Avoidance is Costly

I have spent much of my adult life running away from my pain.  Maybe more accurately is that I buried my pain alive.  Although it helped in the short term, I have paid dearly for it in the long run.

“The foundation of all mental illness is the avoidance of legitimate suffering,” according to Carl Jung, the father of analytic psychology.

His words, which I first heard about two years ago, changed my life.   They were an epiphany that powered my journey from avoidance to acceptance of my pain—a journey that has brought me a peace that transcends my trauma.

I grew up in home with a rageaholic father and an enabling mother.  Like many children who later suffer from addiction, I internalized that rage as shame.  And that shame fueled my drinking.

I became an expert at numbing out to anything I perceived as painful.  Recovery experts are aware of the close connection between mental illness and addiction.  They say that addiction is the compulsive avoidance of immediate pain.  Can you hear Jung’s words in those?

In his excellent book, Recovery 2.0, a combination of memoir and sobriety handbook, Tommy Rosen says “feelings left unprocessed are buried alive!  They will act as an energetic blockage to your happiness and health.”

He goes on to say, “Later, these energetic blockages will cause a variety of emotional and physical symptoms, which will get more and more serious unless you shift onto a path of healing.”

It’s little wonder that all addictions are progressive.  They only worsen over time.  Rosen makes the point that since the original trauma never gets dealt with, all subsequent pain gets piled on top.  “It gets to the point where you’re feeling emotions that no longer correspond to what is actually happening in the present moment.”

When I relive in my mind humiliating experiences that occurred before I got sober 10 years ago, I see the insanity of my reactions to friends, family, and colleagues.  Who was that guy who was a master of misinterpretation?

It was the effect of allowing hurts to pile on top of hurts until I wasn’t experiencing reality as it was but as I was.

As I said in an earlier blog, the ultimate addiction is to our thoughts.  This, I believe, is universal.  Everyone, regardless if you consider yourself an addict or not, is addicted to patterns of thinking that cause suffering.

Rosen’s definition of addiction is “any behavior that you continue to do despite the fact that it brings negative consequences into your life.”

It is only through awareness rather than avoidance that we can begin to understand our trauma.  And that doesn’t have to be major trauma.  It can be anything that we have turned away from or buried—any past pains or threats that we have avoided.

We can’t fix what we can’t see.  I hope that this blog and my others give you the courage to look unblinkingly at your own trauma and to drill down to the root of your present suffering. The tears you shed will water the seeds of your joy.