Finding meaning and purpose for yourself and others

We have experienced times in our lives when we have lost our sense of meaning and purpose.  For some of you, you may be experiencing that right now in your life.

Sometimes it comes from a series of setbacks or disappointments or rejections or a general sense that your life has become bland and boring.

I was there last week.  I felt like I was Tom Hanks in Cast Away, drifting about on my raft, lost in the sea of my life.  And making it worse was a sense of powerlessness to do anything about it.

Fortunately, these episodes occur with less frequency in my life, partly because of a simple activity that I have been using that gets me back in touch with what is meaningful to me.  It helps me to stop drifting aimlessly.  Instead of being tossed about by my feelings of purposelessness, it allows me to find direction and meaning.

The activity comes courtesy of Russ Harris, a practitioner of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.   It takes just a few minutes to do.

Are you ready to begin?   Let’s go!

Start by answering this question: If someone were to interview your children or sisters or brothers on national TV years from now and ask them what were your greatest qualities, what are three things you would love them to say?

Jot down these three qualities.  These are things that are deeply important to you.  I suggest writing them down on a notecard  so you can display them somewhere prominent—like above your desk in your office.  These all-important qualities will serve as visual reminders to get you back on course when you find yourself drifting.

In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), these qualities are called values.   They are like the North Star that keeps our life heading in the direction of what is meaningful to us.  Instead of being steered by our feelings that come and go and change constantly, we are navigating through our lives steered by the constance of what is most important to us.

And these values will be different depending on the part of our life where we feel we are off course.  These parts of our life are called domains.  The question I asked about what you would want a loved one to say about you relates to the domain of family.  Other domains are work, friendship, and play.

To find your North Star for any of these domains, just make a simple adjustment to the question above.  So for the domain of work, think of someone at your place of employment that you admire.  Then adjust the question: If someone were to interview this person at work, what would you love him or her to say are your three greatest qualities as an employee or boss?

Again, jot your answers down so you can display them as a reminder of what is important for you in your work domain.  Do the same for the domains of friendships and play.

Now comes the hard part.  It takes courage and honesty.  Reflect on your answers for a particular domain and ask yourself this question:  When was the last time you felt you were truly living each of these three great qualities/values?

If the answer is “It seems like ages,” that may explain why you are feeling like you are drifting in your life right now like Tom Hanks’ character in Cast Away.

But there is great hope.  It’s never too late to find your North Star, to discover the values that will provide you with purpose.  The power of such discovery will be transformational.   And it will lead to a richer, fuller, more meaningful life for you.  When others in your life are drifting, ask them these same questions to help them find the purpose and meaning you found through them.

I wish you all well on your journey to greatness.

If you would like to work one-on-one on with me concerning an issue that is robbing you of your happiness such as depression, anxiety, relationships, negative thoughts, or esteem, contact me.  I’m at rjhandley.com.  Google my name if you’d like to find out more about me.

RJ Handley, Spiritual Life Coach

How to Tell Safe from Unsafe People

Relationships are one of life’s greatest challenges.   We all struggle with them.  Even  healthy relationships can be difficult at times.

This is especially true for people who are in recovery from abuse, addiction, depression, or trauma as they begin again to reach out for companionship.  Yet healthy or safe relationships are an essential element in reconnecting and participating in life.  They can provide the healing and growth necessary for a purposeful and meaningful life.

 

Regardless of where we are in our own relationship readiness and health, we need to remain alert and cautious about the people we are letting into our lives, especially if we are just getting back on our feet.

 

In their book, Safe People, authors Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend have come up with 10 ways for you to determine if the people in your life are safe or unsafe for you.

 

  1. Unsafe people think they “have it all together” instead of admitting their weaknesses.

For a period of time, you may admire the person who seems to have it all together.  But as the relationship continues, you may come to feel weaker or inferior to this person.  You may even become dependent on this person.   As you begin to see this person’s “togetherness” as a facade, you may become angry or even hostile towards this person or grow tired of being the open and vulnerable one in the relationship. Unless this person can get real, it may be best to pull away.

 

  1. Unsafe people are religious instead of spiritual.

These are the people who use religion as a means of feeling superior to others.  They seem to have all the answers. These people may also be critical of you for the mistakes and errors of judgment that are a part of being human.  Spiritual people, on the other hand, are authentic and genuine about their own shortcomings and problems.

 

  1. Unsafe people are defensive instead of open to feedback

“All close relationships hurt, because no perfect people live on the earth,” say Cloud and Townsend. But the safe people are the ones who have a genuine desire to improve themselves.  They are open to feedback and “own” their own bad behavior. Unsafe people deny, minimize, or blame others when their own issues arise.

 

  1. Unsafe people are self-righteous instead of humble

Unsafe people will never identify with others as fellow human beings because they see themselves as above others.  Generally, they judge and condemn those they deem less worthy.  Safe people are humbly aware of their own issues and are forgiving of other people’s.

 

  1. Unsafe people only apologize instead of changing their behavior

You know these people well.  Often, they apologize for a behavior but that behavior continues to surface time and again.  They may be quick to apologize for a mistake but over time you become aware that they do so only to get back into your good graces rather than committing themselves to the change that would make the problem go away all together.  Apologies are often stated as “I’m sorry but…” rather than “I’m sorry and…”

 

  1. Unsafe people avoid their problems instead of facing them

Problems and the pain they cause us are sure signs that there is something within us that needs to change.  When we face our issues rather than avoid them, we can make those changes that make us more emotionally mature and skillful.  Unsafe people look away from their pain and problems.  As a result, they are frequently emotionally immature. And because they lack awareness of their issues, they “act out of their unconscious hurts and hurt others,” according to Cloud and Townsend.

 

  1. Unsafe people demand trust instead of earning it

Anger is often the response of unsafe people when their trustworthiness is called into question.  Regardless how that anger is expressed, the unsafe person is essentially saying, “How dare you question my integrity!”  Safe people recognize that “none of us is above questioning, and to take offense at it is prideful,” say Cloud and Townsend. Unsafe people are generally insecure and so when a behavior or action is questioned, they become defensive or confrontational.

 

  1. Unsafe people believe they are perfect instead of admitting their faults

According to Cloud and Townsend, “Unsafe people are on a mission to prove that they are perfect.  Using their work, family, abilities, or religion, they try to project an image of perfection, and their image becomes more important than the relationships they are in.”  Love, trust, and respect are the benefits you experience when you can admit and own your faults.  Unsafe people can be hurtful because they will “fight, blame, and point fingers” to maintain their delusion of perfection.

 

  1. Unsafe people blame others instead of taking responsibility

As long as they blame other people for their problems, unsafe people do not have to do anything to change themselves.  Instead, they expect all those around them to change. Denial is favorite defense mechanism for unsafe people.  They have convinced themselves that things are not their fault. When pressed to take responsibility, they often lash out.

 

  1. Unsafe people lie instead of telling the truth

Does anything more need to be said here?

 

 

What I believe are valuable about these 10 traits of unsafe people is becoming aware of them not only in other people but also in our selves.  Certainly, we can never become too safe.  When working with my life coaching clients, I value the opportunity to help them become safer people as I also increase my own awareness of what I need to work on to become safer myself.

 

I suspect that we can identify some unsafe behaviors that Cloud and Townsend may not have been aware of when they published this book.  Let’s increase each other’s awareness by sharing these examples of unsafe behaviors.  Please add those to the comment section below so we can all benefit from your observations.

If you would like to work one-on-one on with me concerning an issue that is robbing you of your happiness such as depression, anxiety, relationships, negative thoughts, or esteem, contact me.  I’m at rjhandley.com.  Google my name if you’d like to find out more about me.

RJ Handley, Spiritual Life Coach

 

Finding Joy in the Routine

My life used to be a very on again off again experience. It was like my life was on pause when I did routine tasks such as grocery shopping, doing the dishes, mowing the lawn, cleaning the house, or paying bills.  When these tasks were over, my real life would resume.  These were commercial interruptions to the meaningful things of my life.   As a result, I suffered through these tasks or, at best, endured them.

The reality is that our daily lives are often filled with routine tasks.   And this was a problem for me because I didn’t like doing those things. Consequently, a large part of my daily life was joyless.   I was doing things just to get them done.  When these chores were done, then I would have a few hours left in the day when I could feel I was actually living my life.

My perspective changed dramatically, though, about eight months ago when I read Eckhart Tolle’s A New Earth. And that insight is something I share with my clients so they can get more joy out of the things that are routine—and not routine—in their lives.

In A New Earth, Tolle addresses the way many of us live fragmented lives.  Life is not about what we are doing, Tolle says, but how we are doing it.  Whenever we see what we are doing as an impediment to our real lives, we approach it with resistance.  And that causes suffering.   Reality conforms to our thinking, so what I dread becomes dreadful.

Oftentimes for me, I don’t integrate ideas, even powerful ones, into my life until I connect them with other powerful ideas.  When they come together, it is an epiphany.  And these are life-changing events for me.  This happened while I was reading Tolle.  I remembered my sponsor’s words to me.  I was complaining about having to go home and mow the lawn.  I had nearly lost my job, my wife, and my house because of my drinking.  My sponsor said to me, “Instead of thinking that you have to mow the lawn, think that you get to mow the lawn.  You are blessed to have a lawn to mow.”  Those words got me through that task and many others for a while, but as time passed, I forgot them.

Then, as I was reading Tolle recently, my sponsor’s words came rushing back to me.  As Tolle’s words and my sponsor’s words converged into an epiphany, their wisdom found a permanent place within me.  Because I am no longer dying to my drinking, I get to do the tasks that are before me.  That was what my sponsor was saying. Tolle takes it a step further.  Don’t just do a task; pour your consciousness—your full attention—into it.

What I have discovered is that when I pour my consciousness into what I am doing, I immediately turn the stage lighting up on it.  I become more and more aware of all the wonderful sensations involved in the task.  For example, I used to hate grocery shopping.  Now, I look forward to it.  It’s because I have poured my consciousness into the present moment at the grocery store rather than thinking about what I could be doing instead.

Now when I am grocery shopping, I am in awe of all the produce that comes from so many different parts of the world, their vibrant colors, the wonderful smells of these fruits and vegetables, the appealing display of all these things.  It’s really is a thing of beauty.  But when I am resisting the shopping and withdraw my consciousness from the experience, it loses its luster and fades to drabness.

The key here is to pour your consciousness into whatever you are doing.  And that begins by noticing.  Notice the sights, the sounds, the smells, the texture of all the things associated with the task.  Feel your body respond and delight in the work.

So how can you get your consciousness to pour into what you are doing?  Tolle says there are three ways:  acceptance, enjoyment, and enthusiasm.

Acceptance is the opposite of resistance to a task.  And just moving from resistance to acceptance can be a life-changer.  “Our performing an action in the state of acceptance means you are at peace while you do it; it is surrendered action,” says Tolle.

When we move from acceptance to enjoyment, the stage lighting turns up some more.  We become more attuned and aligned with the task. We perceive what we are doing with a sense of joy.   In a sense, we are consciously joined with the task.  We are no longer just enduring it; it becomes what we want to keep doing.

This sense is further expanded and intensified when we move from enjoyment to enthusiasm.  “Sustained enthusiasm brings into existence a wave of creative energy, and all you have to do then is ‘ride the wave.’” Tolle says.

Like all tasks in our lives, we have a choice about what attitude we bring to them.  Whether we love or dread the task, we still need to do it.  Why not choose to accept it and pour yourself into it?   You may find that it becomes something that you enjoy—maybe even something that you become enthused about doing.  And that can bring a great deal of joy to all the parts of your day.

Reach out to me if you’d like to work one-on-one on spiritual development or on issues such as relationships, addiction, depression, anxiety, negative habits, and loss.

Kind Regards,
RJ Handley, Spiritual Life Coach