Habit Versus Disease

There are many forms of addiction. Though drugs and alcohol are the Big Two, there are people who suffer as well from addictions that society considers more acceptable. They’re called shopaholics, workaholics, rageaholics. Others would say that the ultimate addiction is to our own negative thinking.

Whatever the addiction, we all know that they can wreak havoc in our own lives and those of our family and friends. The concepts behind Rational Recovery, a relative newcomer to the addiction scene, combined with those of Alcoholics Anonymous can be a powerful one-two punch for overcoming addiction.

As a recovering addict myself, I have been puzzled why it is that I became addicted while those around me appear free from them. In AA, I learned that my addiction is a disease. Rational Recovery, on the other hand, says that my addiction is a function of my brain’s wiring. It is, therefore, a habit, not a disease.

Although I often feel compelled to take a side in this debate, I believe that it is vitally important for me to remain open and willing to listen to both sides. This is because I have a passion and commitment to helping others overcome their addictions as I have been helped to overcome my own. I will use whatever ethical means to bring relief to the still suffering. If this means that I embrace an approach different from the one that saved me from my addiction, then I will suggest it to my clients or sponsees who I am committed to helping.

As I have learned from my Buddhist brothers and sisters, often the best solution to a problem is not choosing one side over another but choosing the door between them—the middle way.

I am convinced that if I hadn’t walked through the doors of AA a decade ago, I would be dead today. But, at the time, that was the only solution I knew. And I know through my work with addicts, that AA has saved their lives, too. Yet, there is merit in considering what Rational Recovery has to offer. After all, there may be great power and value in learning from both so that I will be better able to extend a hand and help lift addicts from the trenches of their addiction.

Just recently I read The Little Book of Big Change, by Dr. Amy Johnson. In it, Johnson explains the concepts behind Rational Recovery and provides her wisdom on the topic of habits in a very easy and entertaining way. Rather than trying to condense its 200 pages into this blog, I will present the concepts that I believe are the most helpful to addicts.

• Addictions are habits.

• You weren’t born with your habit. Your habit isn’t natural to you; it is artificial, innocently created by you as a function of the way you relate to and act on your thoughts.

• We engage in what becomes habit to help us avoid pain and make us feel better. Habits provide distractions from addressing issues within ourselves that we don’t like.

• Urges (cravings) are thoughts. Habits/addictions are created because you act on your urges.

• The difference between a person for whom a particular thought or behavior is a habit and the person for whom it is not is that the person with the habit entertains, takes seriously, and ultimately acts on some thoughts that others do not.

• Each time we obey an urge, we strengthen the brain (neural) circuitry that supports the habit.

• Neurologically, your urges live in your lower brain—the amygdala—also called the lizard brain because it is the oldest part of the brain.

• The first few times you experienced an urge and obeyed it, you strengthened the connections in your brain between your habit and positive feelings. Your lower brain saw that when it produced an urge, you acted on it and felt good, which told your brain, “This works”…So the urges continue. Each time you gave in to them, they became stronger.

• The amygdala’s chief concern is our survival. That’s why urges seem to have the power of life or death over us.

• When you mistakenly view urges as dangerous, personal, unbearable, or somehow permanent, you naturally give in to them.

• Urges are actually only a temporary experience made of nothing but conditioned thought.

• All thoughts are temporary—even urges—and they settle just like the snow settles in a snow globe if we don’t continue to shake it up.

• When we take urges seriously and very personally, we try to reason with them, debate them, and problem-solve them. We are shaking the snow globe. Our mental and emotional entanglement with these thoughts only encourages them.

• When we don’t indulge the urge, the neural connections to those urges weaken and fade on their own from disuse. This defies our programming from childhood because we have learned that problems require action—not inaction. So inaction seems very counter-intuitive, but it is what’s needed.

• The higher brain, located in the pre-frontal cortex, is the part of the brain that decides whether we are going to act on our lizard brain’s urges or not.

• We don’t make the lizard brain the villain. It is like a machine that is programmed to do its job. In that way, it is like an alarm clock. The amygdala sounds the alarm because we continually reset it by indulging its urgings.

• We don’t have to say yes to urges from the lizard brain. Our higher brains provide the free will to exercise free won’t.

• Knowing that there is no thought or urge in the world that can make you do anything is a game changer.

• When your new normal is urge-free, your habit will have no reason to exist.

After reading about Rational Recovery, I have come to believe in its truth. And I find that its concepts are actually invaluable to the treatment of addiction because Rational Recovery explains the neurological roots of addiction whereas 12 Step programs emphasize its behavioral roots.

For those of us who are addicts, we know how difficult it is to overcome addiction. For me, I needed the strength and wisdom of my Higher Power to free myself. I also needed the support of my AA brothers and sisters to remain committed to that freedom that sobriety brings. So the spiritual solution and support that AA offers combined with the deeper understanding of addiction that Rational Recovery offers are powerful tools for recovery.

If you would like to work with me one-on-one on an addiction issue, we can meet in person or on Zoom. Reach out and contact me at RjLifeCoaching@gmail.com. Walk with me and I will provide you safe passage to a place of wonder and awe beyond your addiction.

Kind Regards,

RJ Handley, Addiction Recovery Coach

A fugitive from myself

During a recent conversation with my sister, she asked me why I devote so much time to studying psychology.  “Don’t you get tired of staring at your own asshole?’ At first I bristled at the blunt crudeness of my sister.  Then I laughed and told her this:

For so much of my life I have run away from my own issues.  It started in high school when I used alcohol to separate myself from myself.  In that space, I was able to distance myself from that hurt, lonely boy that I disliked to become the carefree, outgoing person I wanted to be.  Drinking was like climbing into a superhero outfit.   The introverted, troubled Peter Parker became the valiant Spider-man.  If only temporarily.

For the next 30 years, I would use alcohol to live in a fantasy world where my problems couldn’t touch me.  The more my buried pain cried out to be heard, the more I ran away from it.  I became a fugitive from my pain.

Finally, with my business in the dumps, with my wife threatening to leave me, and with bankruptcy looming, I stopped running and I walked through the doors of AA. There I learned that I was only as sick as my secrets.  And I had many.

The Fourth Step was a miracle for me.  It forced me to face a life I had put together with bullshit and scotch tape.  Rather than running away, I ran towards my problems. I felt the power that honesty and fearlessness had in freeing me from my pain and from my lies.  Now, years later, I live a truth:  The degree of my liberation is dependent on the depth of my investigation.

I ended my reply to my sister’s question by saying, “So, no. When I am aware of what is coming out of me, I am aware of what’s inside of me.”

My Higher Power has given me the fearlessness to continue looking within.   As Carl Jung says, “Who looks outside, dreams.  Who looks inside, awakens.”  When we run away from our selves and try to avoid pain through our addictions, we are asleep to who we are.  When we embrace the Divine and open our selves to the practical tools psychology has to offer, we can finally awaken from the false realities we have been living.

And to be wide awake in reality is to be wide awake in splendor.

Kind Regards,

RJ Handley, Addiction Recovery Coach

12 ways you sabotage your recovery

I wanted to share with you a small book that has big things to say about recovery. It’s Dr. Allen Berger’s 12 Stupid Things that Mess Up Recovery.

Berger is a psychotherapist and a recovering addict. 12 Stupid Things is a profound but very accessible book that informs us of behaviors that sabotage our sustained recovery. I have also found it to be invaluable to increasing my effectiveness as a sponsor.

What I found so helpful about the book is that Berger speaks to issues that we may not be aware of but that can certainly contribute to relapse—even for those of us who have years or even decades of recovery.

These are things that can blindside us, not because we’re engaging in behaviors that we are knowingly aware are dangerous, but behaviors that we are unaware of that are dangerous.

The book also contains amusing and poignant anecdotes from Berger’s own experience with addiction and years of counseling alcoholics and drug addicts.

Here is a breakdown of the 12 behaviors that can sabotage our recovery:

1. Believing addiction to one substance is the only problem
Berger says, “Most chemical dependency counselors warn their clients that using other drugs lowers their resistance to using their drug of choice.” Addiction changes the brain so that the person who decides to take that first drink or do that line of coke is chemically different than the person who takes the second drink or does the second line of coke.

2. Believing sobriety will fix everything
“If drinking were our only problem, then once we stopped drinking, all our problems would be solved,” Berger says. The beauty of the 12 Steps is that we come to realize that we have a living problem and a drinking solution. We drank or used to numb ourselves out to those problems. Then our drug of choice became a problem on top of the existing problems that we tried to look away from.

3. Pursuing recovery with less energy than pursuing addiction
Berger says, “Recovery is without a doubt the road less traveled. It is a difficult road to follow—impossible if we are not 110 committed to the process.” He goes on to say, “As if that isn’t challenging enough, we are also faced with the reality that we need to make this commitment without a guarantee of the outcome.”

4. Being selectively honest
“We need to lance the boil and let all the puss drain. We need to discuss all of the things that we don’t want to talk about, especially our secrets—the things what we believe we would never share with anyone,” Berger says. One of the most powerful things that my sponsor said to me is that we are only as sick as our secrets. These are the shadow elements that we have hidden—even from ourselves—that still exert a strong force on our behaviors, just as we don’t see gravity but it affects all that we do.

5. Feeling special and unique
“This kind of thinking is based on the mistaken belief…that we don’t have to do what everyone else has done to develop a solid, robust recovery,” according to Berger. He draws the analogy to surgery. When we undergo a procedure, we can only hope that we respond like the average 80 percent who recover without complications. But in the twisted logic of the addict, we don’t want to see ourselves as average in our recovery. We see ourselves as special, and that has caused the relapse of the newcomer and the seasoned veteran.

6. Not making amends
When we justify our past behaviors because of the behavior of the people in our life, we fail to take responsibility for our life, our feelings, and our actions. By deflecting personal responsibility, we imperil our lasting recovery. Berger says: “To develop a strong spiritual foundation for recovery, it is essential that we accept full responsibility for our harmful and hurtful behavior and that we attempt to repair the damage that we have caused in our relationships with family, friends, and loved ones.”

7. Using the program to try to become perfect
Berger these perfectionistic traits in himself and in the addicts he has treated. It is a misguided attempt at gaining other people’s love by doing everything “perfectly”. He says, “Most of our life has been spent trying to be perfect. This has been a spurious goal. Instead we need to learn how to be more human.” He adds that he spent years using because he believed that being human was not good enough but that being imperfect was unacceptable. “This was the ultimate in self-alienation. It’s no wonder life sucked and I needed to get high.”

8. Confusing self-concern with selfishness
“Self-concern is different from selfishness. It does not exclude others; it is inclusive. Part of our self is concerned with cooperating with and pleasing others. These desires are natural and healthy, when they are balanced with our desire to be ourselves.” We need to practice standing in the center of the boat between pleasing others and being true to who we are.

9. Playing futile self-improvement games
At the heart of these games are using our new-found spirituality to avoid the character defects that continued self-discovery beyond our first 4th Step reveals. Instead, we pretend that our spirituality has allowed us to transcend our defects rather than confronting them in ourselves when they are surfaced. This is called spiritual bypassing.

10. Not getting help for relationship troubles
Relationships are the greatest challenge that any human being faces but is especially true for alcoholics and addicts. This is because we denied ourselves the very means by which all human beings mature emotionally by continually engaging our addiction. And that’s pain. Because we have avoided pain, we are all emotionally immature when we enter recovery. “Dysfunctional relationships are one of the top three causes of relapse,” according to Berger.

11. Believing that life should be easy
“Life is difficult. The sooner we are initiated into this reality, the sooner we learn how to deal with life on its terms rather than waste our time looking for the easy way.” We are continually bombarded by social media that tells us life is all lollypops and rainbows and that if it isn’t we are doing something wrong.

12. Using the program to handle everything
“No one can handle every personal issue with their program. Needing help is not an indication that something is wrong with our program,” Berger says. “The truth is quite the contrary: recognizing our need for additional help is an indication that we are working a good program.” Being defiantly self-reliant is certain to jeopardize our recovery.

What I’ve provided is a just quick introduction to Dr. Berger’s 12 Stupid Things that Mess Up Recovery. I encourage you to spend the 12 bucks to experience Berger’s wisdom for yourself. At just over a 100 pages, this book is a profound read. I’m confident that you will find Berger’s insights helpful and stabilizing to your recovery.

Contact me if you would like to work one-on-one on issues of addiction or issues in your recovery that are robbing you of your happiness such as depression, anxiety, relationships, confidence, and negative thoughts.

I’m at rjhandley.com. Google my name if you’d like to find out more about me.

Kind Regards,
RJ Handley
Spiritual Life Coach

The Secret Power of Shame

Though Bill W. was unaware of the power of shame, he was nevertheless a victim of it. No where in the first 164 pages of the Big Book is shame mentioned, but it is a pernicious presence that research has concluded is the source of our addictions and the frequent cause of relapses.

Shame is hate turned inward.  It’s the factory of our character defects.  It drives our suffering.  Yet, very few of us know this.  It’s a secret even to ourselves.  By becoming aware of our shame, we can greatly reduce the suffering it inflicts on us.

Only recently have I discovered how shame has infected my life like a virus.  It’s the furtive voice that is forever whispering its message that I am a bad person.

I grew up in a home with a rageaholic father and an enabling mother.  They rarely drank.  My dad was an emotional drunk.  What would trigger my dad into explosive rage was forever unpredictable.  Every day, the hum of the bomber circled overhead, and the threat of bombardment hung in the air like toxic gas.

As a child, I breathed in his hate.  And, like any child, I didn’t yet have the boundaries in place to deflect it.  His hate became my own self-hate, and it lodged deep within my soul as shame.  Rarely could I figure out the reason for his rage, so what my mind couldn’t grasp, my soul embraced: I deserved it.

Unfortunately, our endless capacity to adapt often has tragic consequences.  Few of us escape unscarred from the battlefield of a dysfunctional home.  My youngest sister died as a casualty of heavy smoking and drinking.  Fragments of rage and anxiety have embedded themselves into the lives of my other two sisters. And I, 10 years in recovery, find myself surveying the devastation, hobbled by shame.

Sources of Shame

Shame is universal.  Its seeds are sown in childhood.  Whenever we are powerless to deflect another’s hate—whether in the form of verbal, physical, or sexual abuse—it becomes internalized deep within as shame. “We believe we ‘should have’ been able to defend ourselves.  And because we weren’t able to do so, we feel helpless and powerless,” according to Beverly Engle, in her article “How Compassion Can Heal Shame from Childhood,” published in Psychology Today.

“This powerlessness causes us to feel humiliated—which leads to shame,” Engle says.

Shame can result from any situation that causes us to feel shunned by others. It can also be the by-product of regret, especially after hurting a loved one.  If we fail to make amends to that person, regret often converts to shame.

The Secrecy of Shame

It’s mystifying to me that after years of working the program of AA, sponsoring, and pouring myself into recovery literature, that I have remained unaware of shame’s covert operations.  But I don’t think I’m alone.  Being unaware of shame is very understandable.

For many of us, our textbook for recovery has been the Big Book (BB). However, shame is not mentioned anywhere in its first 164 pages (containing the entire AA program as Bill W. first conceived it).  For the ranks of us who are traumatized by shame, this is a critical omission.

I believe the BB is a masterpiece. Yet, as acutely attuned as Bill W. was to our malady, he was not yet aware when penning the BB that shame is the father of our character defects—resentment, selfishness, and unworthiness being its children.

We Climb to Recovery on the Rungs of Words

Words have the power of revelation.  Think of the word “resentment” as Bill W. used it, and see how much light his discussion of that word brought to the understanding of our addiction. The same can be true for the word “shame.”  Once we shine the light of awareness on it, we can identify it as the source of our character defects.  We see it for what it is, and there is great power in naming. Mark Brackett of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, says labeling our emotions is key to their treatment. “If you can name it, you can tame it.”

As addicts we know there is something at the root of our addictions.  In the hundreds of AA meetings I have attended over the years, the word “unworthiness” is frequently heard. What we call unworthiness, though, is really an expression of shame’s much deeper and darker domain. Other character defects—defensiveness, criticalness, anger, resentment, and emotional withdrawal—also bubble up from the depths of shame.

Amazingly, in the same day, shame has us toggling between feelings of inferiority and its paradoxical mask of superiority.  It creates a pervasive feeling of inadequacy that resides in the background of all we do.  It fuels our drinking.

Invariably, we cross the invisible threshold between heavy drinking and alcoholism.  Drinking then becomes a desperate coping strategy, cycling back on itself.  We drink to numb us to the pain of shame and then we feel shame because we find ourselves drunk again. On and on, over and over, day after day.

Shame Versus Guilt

Shame is often confused with guilt. Brene Brown, a professor of research at the University of Houston, makes a critical distinction: “Guilt is I did something bad.  Shame is I am something bad.”  Guilt focuses on the behavior; shame focuses on the person.  Brown’s research finds a high correlation between shame and addiction but virtually none between guilt and addiction.

Providing the first link between shame and relapse is a 2013 study published in Clinical Psychological Science, a journal of the Association for Psychological Science.  The study, conducted by Jessica Tracy and Daniel Randles of the University of British Columbia, involved 100 middle-aged men and women from the rooms of AA with less than six months sobriety.  Tracy and Randles found that “people who feel shame may blame themselves for negative events and view their ‘bad’ behavior as an unchangeable part of who they are. Thus, shame may actually be a risk factor for certain behaviors rather than a deterrent. But this doesn’t seem to be the case for guilt.”

The study also found that “one reason that certain sobriety programs may be effective is because they encourage people to see their behaviors as something they should feel guilty, but not necessarily shameful, about.”

The amount of shame participants displayed strongly predicted not only whether they relapsed but also how many drinks they had if they did relapse.

Good News

We don’t have to remain shame sufferers.  Recent scientific breakthroughs reveal that the brain has a nearly endless capacity to rewire itself.  “Due to what we now know about the neural plasticity of the brain—the capacity of our brains to grow new neurons and new synaptic connections—we can proactively repair (and re-pair) the old shame memory with new experiences of self-empathy and self-compassion,” Engle says.

When treating shame, we must remember to be good to ourselves.  After all, shame entered us through others’ hatred.  Self-empathy and self-compassion are crucial in combatting shame.  In a 2012 TED Talk, Brene Brown said, “If you put shame in a petri dish, it needs three ingredients to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence, and judgment. If you put the same amount of shame in the petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can’t survive.”

By employing the fearlessness and thoroughness that we used in our 4th Step, we can surface the pain of being hated that created our shame.  Once we become aware of the source of our shame, we can grieve the pain and suffering it has produced.  We can cry our response to the hatred, and we can cry about how unfair it is.  Finally, we come to a place of peace and give shame back to its rightful owner.

I leave you with this self-compassion exercise, courtesy of Beverly Engle, in hopes that it helps you as it helped me.

  1. Think of one of your most shaming experiences from childhood. Now think of what you wish someone had said to you right after that experience.  What would have been the most helpful and healing for you to hear at the time?  Write this statement down.
  2. Image that someone you care very much about, someone you admire, is saying those words to you now. Hear those words in your ears.  Take those words into your heart.  Notice how those words make you feel.
  3. Now say those words out loud to yourself. Take a deep breath and really take in those words.  How does hearing yourself say those words out loud make you feel?

You might receive a real sense of healing and peace from the words that you hear while doing this exercise.  Exploring shame can be a journey that requires courage and self-honesty, but the reward is recovery that goes beyond the mere absence of addiction—recovery that is a deep healing of your past and a life of real happiness and peace.

If you would like to work one-on-one with me regarding shame issues or issues related to addiction, relationships, negative habits, anxiety, or depression, please visit me at rjhandley.com.

The Secret Power of Shame was originally published in The Fix. 

Your Weekday Intention for February 23

I ask my Higher Power for knowledge of his will for me today knowing that it will never take me where his grace will not protect me.

This intention is about trusting and relaxing.  It’s asking Higher Power to make you aware of what he would have you do today.  One of the simplest and most powerful prayers we can pray is asking our Higher Power for knowledge of his will and power to carry it out.

Once we make this simple request, we can trust and relax in the knowledge that God will give me the strength and protection to do what is for my ultimate good and the good of those I come in contact with today.

For those of you joining us for the first time, I am posting a Weekday intention Monday through Friday at 6 AM Denver time.  You can receive these as I post them automatically in your email by going to blog.rjhandley.com and clicking the follow button and entering your email address.   Please join us in changing the world one person at time beginning with ourselves.

Just recently, I posted the first Weekday Intention.  I included it in the blog post that was the introduction to all the Weekday Intentions that follow.  It’s titled “The Power of Intention.”  If you would like to read it, follow this link: https://wordpress.com/post/blog.rjhandley.com/518 “The Power of Intention” post provides more about the philosophy behind intentions and how they can change the way that you respond to life at work, at home, and at play.

These intentions have helped keep me attuned and connected to God’s power, love, and way of life. I created them based on my studies of authors such as Michael Singer, Thich Nhat Hanh, Eckhart Tolle, Ram Dass, Deepak Chopra, Adyashanti, Bill W. and others who are recognized masters of spiritual psychology.

Starting your day with the Weekday Intention is a great way to boot up with the spiritual software that will help connect and attune you with your Higher Power. You will then find that your Higher Power responds to the intention by working within your environment and circumstances to support your intention.

Here’s how to activate the inherent power of each intention:

  • Before beginning the workday, find a quiet place to sit, free from distractions.
  • Let go of “doing” and focus on “being.”
  • Ask your Higher Power for the power to live your intention as fully as you can, knowing that each intention is something that you can do today that will improve who you are and bring about the best outcomes for all those you come in contact with today.
  • Breathe.
  • Place your hand on your heart and connect with yourself.
  • Say the intention to yourself until you can feel its power within you.
  • Ask your Higher Power to help keep you aware of and committed to each intention throughout the day.
  • Begin your workday.

Again, go to my blog and sign up so you will automatically receive your Weekday Intention.

If you would like to work one-on-one on with me concerning an issue that is robbing you of your happiness such as depression, anxiety, relationships, negative thoughts, or esteem, contact me.  I’m at rjhandley.com.  Google my name if you’d like to find out more about me.

Happy Intentional Living,

RJ Handley, Life Coach

Your Weekday Intention for February 22

Inspire yourself with today’s intention!

Today, I will respond rather than react to life. 

This intention is about changing how you answer life’s challenges.  Often times, when we experience adversity, we have an automatic or reflexive way that we react.  It’s usually based on “fight or flight”.

Think about the way that you react to adverse situations.  Do you pause and allow your higher mind time to form a thoughtful response or is it a knee-jerk reaction?When we become self-aware of our reactions, we can change those behaviors so that they produce a healthy response.

Today, pause when faced with something threatening so that you’re not just reacting.  Take a few breaths and calm yourself, then think of way that you can respond thoughtfully and calmly.

For those of you joining us for the first time, I am posting a Weekday intention Monday through Friday at 6 AM Denver time.  You can receive these as I post them automatically in your email by going to blog.rjhandley.com and clicking the follow button and entering your email address.   Please join us in changing the world one person at time beginning with ourselves.

Just recently, I posted the first Weekday Intention.  I included it in the blog post that was the introduction to all the Weekday Intentions that follow.  It’s titled “The Power of Intention.”  If you would like to read it, follow this link: https://wordpress.com/post/blog.rjhandley.com/518 “The Power of Intention” post provides more about the philosophy behind intentions and how they can change the way that you respond to life at work, at home, and at play.

These intentions have helped keep me attuned and connected to God’s power, love, and way of life. I created them based on my studies of authors such as Michael Singer, Thich Nhat Hanh, Eckhart Tolle, Ram Dass, Deepak Chopra, Adyashanti, Bill W. and others who are recognized masters of spiritual psychology.

Starting your day with the Weekday Intention is a great way to boot up with the spiritual software that will help connect and attune you with your Higher Power. You will then find that your Higher Power responds to the intention by working within your environment and circumstances to support your intention.

Here’s how to activate the inherent power of each intention:

  • Before beginning the workday, find a quiet place to sit, free from distractions.
  • Let go of “doing” and focus on “being.”
  • Ask your Higher Power for the power to live your intention as fully as you can, knowing that each intention is something that you can do today that will improve who you are and bring about the best outcomes for all those you come in contact with today.
  • Breathe.
  • Place your hand on your heart and connect with yourself.
  • Say the intention to yourself until you can feel its power within you.
  • Ask your Higher Power to help keep you aware of and committed to each intention throughout the day.
  • Begin your workday.

Again, go to my blog and sign up so you will automatically receive your Weekday Intention.

If you would like to work one-on-one on with me concerning an issue that is robbing you of your happiness such as depression, anxiety, relationships, negative thoughts, or esteem, contact me.  I’m at rjhandley.com.  Google my name if you’d like to find out more about me.

Happy Intentional Living,

RJ Handley

Life Coach

Your Weekday Intention for February 19

Start your day off right with today’s intention

Today, I commit to my own happiness rather than looking for others to make me happy.

This intention is about emotional dependency on others.  When we expect others in our life—friends, family, colleagues—to make us happy, we are tasking them with something that is not their responsibility.  That’s not to say that we don’t share in another’s happiness.  Shared happiness is one of the delights of friendship.

The bottom line is that we do the work of becoming aware of what is making us unhappy, so we can experience the joy of what this beautiful life has to offer.

Take some time today to investigate the roots of your unhappiness or seek out the help of a life coach or therapist to help you with this.  Seize this opportunity to commit to your own happiness.

For those of you joining us for the first time, I am posting a Weekday intention Monday through Friday at 6 AM Denver time.  You can receive these as I post them automatically in your email by going to blog.rjhandley.com and clicking the follow button and entering your email address.   Please join us in changing the world one person at time beginning with ourselves.

Just recently, I posted the first Weekday Intention.  I included it in the blog post that was the introduction to all the Weekday Intentions that follow.  It’s titled “The Power of Intention.”  If you would like to read it, follow this link: https://wordpress.com/post/blog.rjhandley.com/518 “The Power of Intention” post provides more about the philosophy behind intentions and how they can change the way that you respond to life at work, at home, and at play.

These intentions have helped keep me attuned and connected to God’s power, love, and way of life. I created them based on my studies of authors such as Michael Singer, Thich Nhat Hanh, Eckhart Tolle, Ram Dass, Deepak Chopra, Adyashanti, Bill W. and others who are recognized masters of spiritual psychology.

Starting your day with the Weekday Intention is a great way to boot up with the spiritual software that will help connect and attune you with your Higher Power. You will then find that your Higher Power responds to the intention by working within your environment and circumstances to support your intention.

Here’s how to activate the inherent power of each intention:

  • Before beginning the workday, find a quiet place to sit, free from distractions.
  • Let go of “doing” and focus on “being.”
  • Ask your Higher Power for the power to live your intention as fully as you can, knowing that each intention is something that you can do today that will improve who you are and bring about the best outcomes for all those you come in contact with today.
  • Breathe.
  • Place your hand on your heart and connect with yourself.
  • Say the intention to yourself until you can feel its power within you.
  • Ask your Higher Power to help keep you aware of and committed to each intention throughout the day.
  • Begin your workday.

Again, go to my blog and sign up so you will automatically receive your Weekday Intention.

If you would like to work one-on-one on with me concerning an issue that is robbing you of your happiness such as depression, anxiety, relationships, negative thoughts, or esteem, contact me.  I’m at rjhandley.com.  Google my name if you’d like to find out more about me.

Happy Intentional Living,

RJ Handley

Life Coach

 

Your Weekday Intention for February 15

Today, I will ask my Higher Power for the courage to commit to doing what I have been avoiding.

This intention is about overcoming fear.  So often we let the critical, fear-producing thoughts in our head prevent us from doing the things that are most important to us.  Today, commit to action.  Ignore the thoughts.  If what it is you are committing to is motivated by love, then your Higher Power will work through you to accomplish the task.

For those of you joining us for the first time, I am posting a Weekday intention Monday through Friday at 6 AM Denver time.  You can receive these as I post them automatically in your email by going to blog.rjhandley.com and clicking the follow button and entering your email address.   Please join us in changing the world one person at time beginning with ourselves.

Just recently, I posted the first Weekday Intention.  I included it in the blog post that was the introduction to all the Weekday Intentions that follow.  It’s titled “The Power of Intention.”  If you would like to read it, follow this link: https://wordpress.com/post/blog.rjhandley.com/518 “The Power of Intention” post provides more about the philosophy behind intentions and how they can change the way that you respond to life at work, at home, and at play.

These intentions have helped keep me attuned and connected to God’s power, love, and way of life. I created them based on my studies of authors such as Michael Singer, Thich Nhat Hanh, Eckhart Tolle, Ram Dass, Deepak Chopra, Adyashanti, Bill W. and others who are recognized masters of spiritual psychology.

Starting your day with the Weekday Intention is a great way to boot up with the spiritual software that will help connect and attune you with your Higher Power. You will then find that your Higher Power responds to the intention by working within your environment and circumstances to support your intention.

Here’s how to activate the inherent power of each intention:

  • Before beginning the workday, find a quiet place to sit, free from distractions.
  • Let go of “doing” and focus on “being.”
  • Ask your Higher Power for the power to live your intention as fully as you can, knowing that each intention is something that you can do today that will improve who you are and bring about the best outcomes for all those you come in contact with today.
  • Breathe.
  • Place your hand on your heart and connect with yourself.
  • Say the intention to yourself until you can feel its power within you.
  • Ask your Higher Power to help keep you aware of and committed to each intention throughout the day.
  • Begin your workday.

Again, go to my blog and sign up so you will automatically receive your Weekday Intention.

If you would like to work one-on-one on with me concerning an issue that is robbing you of your happiness such as depression, anxiety, relationships, negative thoughts, or esteem, contact me.  I’m at rjhandley.com.  Google my name if you’d like to find out more about me.

Happy Intentional Living,

RJ Handley

Life Coach

Your Weekday Intention for Valentine’s Day

Today, I will outwardly express the love I feel to all those I have been blessed to have in my life.

Happy Valentine’s Day!  This intention is about acknowledging to our loved ones how grateful we are to have them in our lives.

For those of you joining us for the first time, I am posting a Weekday intention Monday through Friday at 6 AM Denver time.  You can receive these as I post them automatically in your email by going to blog.rjhandley.com and clicking the follow button and entering your email address.   Please join us in changing the world one person at time beginning with ourselves.

Just recently, I posted the first Weekday Intention.  I included it in the blog post that was the introduction to all the Weekday Intentions that follow.  It’s titled “The Power of Intention.”  If you would like to read it, follow this link: https://wordpress.com/post/blog.rjhandley.com/518 “The Power of Intention” post provides more about the philosophy behind intentions and how they can change the way that you respond to life at work, at home, and at play.

These intentions have helped keep me attuned and connected to God’s power, love, and way of life. I created them based on my studies of authors such as Michael Singer, Thich Nhat Hanh, Eckhart Tolle, Ram Dass, Deepak Chopra, Adyashanti, Bill W. and others who are recognized masters of spiritual psychology.

Starting your day with the Weekday Intention is a great way to boot up with the spiritual software that will help connect and attune you with your Higher Power. You will then find that your Higher Power responds to the intention by working within your environment and circumstances to support your intention.

Here’s how to activate the inherent power of each intention:

  • Before beginning the workday, find a quiet place to sit, free from distractions.
  • Let go of “doing” and focus on “being.”
  • Ask your Higher Power for the power to live your intention as fully as you can, knowing that each intention is something that you can do today that will improve who you are and bring about the best outcomes for all those you come in contact with today.
  • Breathe.
  • Place your hand on your heart and connect with yourself.
  • Say the intention to yourself until you can feel its power within you.
  • Ask your Higher Power to help keep you aware of and committed to each intention throughout the day.
  • Begin your workday.

Again, go to my blog and sign up so you will automatically receive your Weekday Intention.

If you would like to work one-on-one on with me concerning an issue that is robbing you of your happiness such as depression, anxiety, relationships, negative thoughts, or esteem, contact me.  I’m at rjhandley.com.  Google my name if you’d like to find out more about me.

Happy Intentional Living,

RJ Handley

Life Coach

How to Tell Safe from Unsafe People

Relationships are one of life’s greatest challenges.   We all struggle with them.  Even  healthy relationships can be difficult at times.

This is especially true for people who are in recovery from abuse, addiction, depression, or trauma as they begin again to reach out for companionship.  Yet healthy or safe relationships are an essential element in reconnecting and participating in life.  They can provide the healing and growth necessary for a purposeful and meaningful life.

 

Regardless of where we are in our own relationship readiness and health, we need to remain alert and cautious about the people we are letting into our lives, especially if we are just getting back on our feet.

 

In their book, Safe People, authors Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend have come up with 10 ways for you to determine if the people in your life are safe or unsafe for you.

 

  1. Unsafe people think they “have it all together” instead of admitting their weaknesses.

For a period of time, you may admire the person who seems to have it all together.  But as the relationship continues, you may come to feel weaker or inferior to this person.  You may even become dependent on this person.   As you begin to see this person’s “togetherness” as a facade, you may become angry or even hostile towards this person or grow tired of being the open and vulnerable one in the relationship. Unless this person can get real, it may be best to pull away.

 

  1. Unsafe people are religious instead of spiritual.

These are the people who use religion as a means of feeling superior to others.  They seem to have all the answers. These people may also be critical of you for the mistakes and errors of judgment that are a part of being human.  Spiritual people, on the other hand, are authentic and genuine about their own shortcomings and problems.

 

  1. Unsafe people are defensive instead of open to feedback

“All close relationships hurt, because no perfect people live on the earth,” say Cloud and Townsend. But the safe people are the ones who have a genuine desire to improve themselves.  They are open to feedback and “own” their own bad behavior. Unsafe people deny, minimize, or blame others when their own issues arise.

 

  1. Unsafe people are self-righteous instead of humble

Unsafe people will never identify with others as fellow human beings because they see themselves as above others.  Generally, they judge and condemn those they deem less worthy.  Safe people are humbly aware of their own issues and are forgiving of other people’s.

 

  1. Unsafe people only apologize instead of changing their behavior

You know these people well.  Often, they apologize for a behavior but that behavior continues to surface time and again.  They may be quick to apologize for a mistake but over time you become aware that they do so only to get back into your good graces rather than committing themselves to the change that would make the problem go away all together.  Apologies are often stated as “I’m sorry but…” rather than “I’m sorry and…”

 

  1. Unsafe people avoid their problems instead of facing them

Problems and the pain they cause us are sure signs that there is something within us that needs to change.  When we face our issues rather than avoid them, we can make those changes that make us more emotionally mature and skillful.  Unsafe people look away from their pain and problems.  As a result, they are frequently emotionally immature. And because they lack awareness of their issues, they “act out of their unconscious hurts and hurt others,” according to Cloud and Townsend.

 

  1. Unsafe people demand trust instead of earning it

Anger is often the response of unsafe people when their trustworthiness is called into question.  Regardless how that anger is expressed, the unsafe person is essentially saying, “How dare you question my integrity!”  Safe people recognize that “none of us is above questioning, and to take offense at it is prideful,” say Cloud and Townsend. Unsafe people are generally insecure and so when a behavior or action is questioned, they become defensive or confrontational.

 

  1. Unsafe people believe they are perfect instead of admitting their faults

According to Cloud and Townsend, “Unsafe people are on a mission to prove that they are perfect.  Using their work, family, abilities, or religion, they try to project an image of perfection, and their image becomes more important than the relationships they are in.”  Love, trust, and respect are the benefits you experience when you can admit and own your faults.  Unsafe people can be hurtful because they will “fight, blame, and point fingers” to maintain their delusion of perfection.

 

  1. Unsafe people blame others instead of taking responsibility

As long as they blame other people for their problems, unsafe people do not have to do anything to change themselves.  Instead, they expect all those around them to change. Denial is favorite defense mechanism for unsafe people.  They have convinced themselves that things are not their fault. When pressed to take responsibility, they often lash out.

 

  1. Unsafe people lie instead of telling the truth

Does anything more need to be said here?

 

 

What I believe are valuable about these 10 traits of unsafe people is becoming aware of them not only in other people but also in our selves.  Certainly, we can never become too safe.  When working with my life coaching clients, I value the opportunity to help them become safer people as I also increase my own awareness of what I need to work on to become safer myself.

 

I suspect that we can identify some unsafe behaviors that Cloud and Townsend may not have been aware of when they published this book.  Let’s increase each other’s awareness by sharing these examples of unsafe behaviors.  Please add those to the comment section below so we can all benefit from your observations.

If you would like to work one-on-one on with me concerning an issue that is robbing you of your happiness such as depression, anxiety, relationships, negative thoughts, or esteem, contact me.  I’m at rjhandley.com.  Google my name if you’d like to find out more about me.

RJ Handley, Spiritual Life Coach