A fugitive from myself

During a recent conversation with my sister, she asked me why I devote so much time to studying psychology.  “Don’t you get tired of staring at your own asshole?’ At first I bristled at the blunt crudeness of my sister.  Then I laughed and told her this:

For so much of my life I have run away from my own issues.  It started in high school when I used alcohol to separate myself from myself.  In that space, I was able to distance myself from that hurt, lonely boy that I disliked to become the carefree, outgoing person I wanted to be.  Drinking was like climbing into a superhero outfit.   The introverted, troubled Peter Parker became the valiant Spider-man.  If only temporarily.

For the next 30 years, I would use alcohol to live in a fantasy world where my problems couldn’t touch me.  The more my buried pain cried out to be heard, the more I ran away from it.  I became a fugitive from my pain.

Finally, with my business in the dumps, with my wife threatening to leave me, and with bankruptcy looming, I stopped running and I walked through the doors of AA. There I learned that I was only as sick as my secrets.  And I had many.

The Fourth Step was a miracle for me.  It forced me to face a life I had put together with bullshit and scotch tape.  Rather than running away, I ran towards my problems. I felt the power that honesty and fearlessness had in freeing me from my pain and from my lies.  Now, years later, I live a truth:  The degree of my liberation is dependent on the depth of my investigation.

I ended my reply to my sister’s question by saying, “So, no. When I am aware of what is coming out of me, I am aware of what’s inside of me.”

My Higher Power has given me the fearlessness to continue looking within.   As Carl Jung says, “Who looks outside, dreams.  Who looks inside, awakens.”  When we run away from our selves and try to avoid pain through our addictions, we are asleep to who we are.  When we embrace the Divine and open our selves to the practical tools psychology has to offer, we can finally awaken from the false realities we have been living.

And to be wide awake in reality is to be wide awake in splendor.

Kind Regards,

RJ Handley, Addiction Recovery Coach

How to Tell Safe from Unsafe People

Relationships are one of life’s greatest challenges.   We all struggle with them.  Even  healthy relationships can be difficult at times.

This is especially true for people who are in recovery from abuse, addiction, depression, or trauma as they begin again to reach out for companionship.  Yet healthy or safe relationships are an essential element in reconnecting and participating in life.  They can provide the healing and growth necessary for a purposeful and meaningful life.

 

Regardless of where we are in our own relationship readiness and health, we need to remain alert and cautious about the people we are letting into our lives, especially if we are just getting back on our feet.

 

In their book, Safe People, authors Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend have come up with 10 ways for you to determine if the people in your life are safe or unsafe for you.

 

  1. Unsafe people think they “have it all together” instead of admitting their weaknesses.

For a period of time, you may admire the person who seems to have it all together.  But as the relationship continues, you may come to feel weaker or inferior to this person.  You may even become dependent on this person.   As you begin to see this person’s “togetherness” as a facade, you may become angry or even hostile towards this person or grow tired of being the open and vulnerable one in the relationship. Unless this person can get real, it may be best to pull away.

 

  1. Unsafe people are religious instead of spiritual.

These are the people who use religion as a means of feeling superior to others.  They seem to have all the answers. These people may also be critical of you for the mistakes and errors of judgment that are a part of being human.  Spiritual people, on the other hand, are authentic and genuine about their own shortcomings and problems.

 

  1. Unsafe people are defensive instead of open to feedback

“All close relationships hurt, because no perfect people live on the earth,” say Cloud and Townsend. But the safe people are the ones who have a genuine desire to improve themselves.  They are open to feedback and “own” their own bad behavior. Unsafe people deny, minimize, or blame others when their own issues arise.

 

  1. Unsafe people are self-righteous instead of humble

Unsafe people will never identify with others as fellow human beings because they see themselves as above others.  Generally, they judge and condemn those they deem less worthy.  Safe people are humbly aware of their own issues and are forgiving of other people’s.

 

  1. Unsafe people only apologize instead of changing their behavior

You know these people well.  Often, they apologize for a behavior but that behavior continues to surface time and again.  They may be quick to apologize for a mistake but over time you become aware that they do so only to get back into your good graces rather than committing themselves to the change that would make the problem go away all together.  Apologies are often stated as “I’m sorry but…” rather than “I’m sorry and…”

 

  1. Unsafe people avoid their problems instead of facing them

Problems and the pain they cause us are sure signs that there is something within us that needs to change.  When we face our issues rather than avoid them, we can make those changes that make us more emotionally mature and skillful.  Unsafe people look away from their pain and problems.  As a result, they are frequently emotionally immature. And because they lack awareness of their issues, they “act out of their unconscious hurts and hurt others,” according to Cloud and Townsend.

 

  1. Unsafe people demand trust instead of earning it

Anger is often the response of unsafe people when their trustworthiness is called into question.  Regardless how that anger is expressed, the unsafe person is essentially saying, “How dare you question my integrity!”  Safe people recognize that “none of us is above questioning, and to take offense at it is prideful,” say Cloud and Townsend. Unsafe people are generally insecure and so when a behavior or action is questioned, they become defensive or confrontational.

 

  1. Unsafe people believe they are perfect instead of admitting their faults

According to Cloud and Townsend, “Unsafe people are on a mission to prove that they are perfect.  Using their work, family, abilities, or religion, they try to project an image of perfection, and their image becomes more important than the relationships they are in.”  Love, trust, and respect are the benefits you experience when you can admit and own your faults.  Unsafe people can be hurtful because they will “fight, blame, and point fingers” to maintain their delusion of perfection.

 

  1. Unsafe people blame others instead of taking responsibility

As long as they blame other people for their problems, unsafe people do not have to do anything to change themselves.  Instead, they expect all those around them to change. Denial is favorite defense mechanism for unsafe people.  They have convinced themselves that things are not their fault. When pressed to take responsibility, they often lash out.

 

  1. Unsafe people lie instead of telling the truth

Does anything more need to be said here?

 

 

What I believe are valuable about these 10 traits of unsafe people is becoming aware of them not only in other people but also in our selves.  Certainly, we can never become too safe.  When working with my life coaching clients, I value the opportunity to help them become safer people as I also increase my own awareness of what I need to work on to become safer myself.

 

I suspect that we can identify some unsafe behaviors that Cloud and Townsend may not have been aware of when they published this book.  Let’s increase each other’s awareness by sharing these examples of unsafe behaviors.  Please add those to the comment section below so we can all benefit from your observations.

If you would like to work one-on-one on with me concerning an issue that is robbing you of your happiness such as depression, anxiety, relationships, negative thoughts, or esteem, contact me.  I’m at rjhandley.com.  Google my name if you’d like to find out more about me.

RJ Handley, Spiritual Life Coach

 

What is life coaching?

Life coaching has become increasingly popular in recent years. More and more people are seeking out the services of life coaches to guide them through life’s challenges. But for many others, what life coaching is remains a mystery. As a life coach, I want introduce you to what life coaching is so you may feel more comfortable about reaching out to one of us for help.

Life coaching is a powerful alternative to traditional therapy or counseling. It helps clients with many of the same issues that counselors or therapists usually handle. One difference is that life coaches work with client’s current thoughts and behaviors that are creating problems for the client in the here and now whereas counselors typically examine a client’s past to explain the client’s problem in the present. In other words, life coaches work from the present to the future, whereas counselors often work from the past to the present.

Another difference is that life coaches are less concerned than a therapist about diagnosing a client’s problem and more concerned about developing skills and strategies so the client can effectively deal with the problem. Just as sports coaches work with athletes so they become better skilled at a sport, life coaches work with clients so they become better skilled at life.

Anxiety is a problem many people face. As a life coach, my approach to treating it would be to focus on what situations in the client’s current life trigger anxiety. It may be giving that presentation or attending that large holiday get together. I would ask the client to tell me the thoughts that go through his or her head as the event approaches. Anxiety is always future-based. It is always about what MIGHT happen, not what is happening. I would work with the client on creating a different relationship with those anxious thoughts and then on employing strategies so that the client’s attention is focused fully on the situation rather than on the anxiety. A counselor, on the other hand, would place more emphasis on the client’s history with anxiety.

The best life coaches also incorporate current psychological theories that empower clients to face rather than avoid issues. In my practice, I use Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and Behavioral Activation. These provide powerful tools so clients can respond more skillfully to the challenges life throws at us today and tomorrow and next week. If looking to the past helps a client see patterns of behaviors, I am all for that, but the client and I only glance at the past—we don’t stare at it.

In my practice, I coach clients on a wide range of issues. These include relationships, addiction, depression, anxiety, habits, grieving and loss. My practice differs from that of other coaches’ because I also offer clients guidance toward spiritual awakening and emotional development. Few coaches offer both. I help clients to not only wake up spiritually but also to grow up emotionally.

I encourage you to reach out to a life coach. Many life coaches, like myself, offer a free introductory session. Take the coach up on this offer. If you feel that it is the approach you want to take, then book another session. If not, at least you have a better idea of what you’re looking for and you have satisfied your curiosity about life coaching.

Contact me if you would like to work one-on-one in overcoming an issue that is robbing you of your happiness. I’m at rjhandley.com.

It’s my hope that through this post I have made you more aware about what life coaching is. Please leave any comments or questions in the comment section below.

Kinds Regards,
RJ Handley

My Fugitive Ways

During a recent conversation with my sister, she asked me why I devote so much time to studying psychology.  “Don’t you get tired of staring at your own asshole?’ At first I was taken aback by the blunt crudeness of my sister.  Then I laughed and told her this:

 

For so much of my life I have run away from my own issues.  It started in high school when I used alcohol to separate myself from myself.  In that space, I was able to distance myself from that hurt, lonely boy that I disliked to become the carefree, outgoing person I wanted to be.  Drinking was like climbing into a superhero outfit.   The introverted, troubled Peter Parker became the valiant Spider-man.  If only temporarily.

 

For the next 30 years, I would use alcohol to live in a fantasy world where my problems couldn’t touch me.  The more my buried pain cried out to be heard, the more I ran away from it.  I became a fugitive from my pain.

 

Finally, with my business in the dumps, with my wife threatening to leave me, and with bankruptcy looming, I stopped running and I walked through the doors of AA. There I learned that I was only as sick as my secrets.  And I had many.

 

The Fourth Step was a miracle for me.  It forced me to face a life I had put together with bullshit and scotch tape.  Rather than running away, I ran towards my problems. I felt the power that honesty and fearlessness had in freeing me from my pain and from my lies.  Now, years later, I live a truth:  The degree of my liberation is dependent on the depth of my investigation.

 

I ended my reply to my sister’s question by saying, “So, no. When I am aware of what is coming out of me, I am aware of what’s inside of me.”

 

My Higher Power has given me the fearlessness to continue looking within.   As Carl Jung says, “Who looks outside, dreams.  Who looks inside, awakens.”  When we run away from our Selves and try to avoid pain through our addictions, we are asleep to who we are.  When we embrace the Divine and open our Selves to the practical tools psychology has to offer, we can finally awaken from the false realities we have been living.

And to be wide awake in reality is to be wide awake in splendor.

If you would like to work one-on-one on with me concerning an issue that is robbing you of your happiness such as depression, anxiety, relationships, negative thoughts, or esteem, contact me.  I’m at rjhandley.com.  Google my name if you’d like to find out more about me.

Kind Regards,

RJ Handley, Spiritual Life Coach