I wanted to share with you a small book that has big things to say about recovery. It’s Dr. Allen Berger’s 12 Stupid Things that Mess Up Recovery.
Berger is a psychotherapist and a recovering addict. 12 Stupid Things is a profound but very accessible book that informs us of behaviors that sabotage our sustained recovery. I have also found it to be invaluable to increasing my effectiveness as a sponsor.
What I found so helpful about the book is that Berger speaks to issues that we may not be aware of but that can certainly contribute to relapse—even for those of us who have years or even decades of recovery.
These are things that can blindside us, not because we’re engaging in behaviors that we are knowingly aware are dangerous, but behaviors that we are unaware of that are dangerous.
The book also contains amusing and poignant anecdotes from Berger’s own experience with addiction and years of counseling alcoholics and drug addicts.
Here is a breakdown of the 12 behaviors that can sabotage our recovery:
1. Believing addiction to one substance is the only problem
Berger says, “Most chemical dependency counselors warn their clients that using other drugs lowers their resistance to using their drug of choice.” Addiction changes the brain so that the person who decides to take that first drink or do that line of coke is chemically different than the person who takes the second drink or does the second line of coke.
2. Believing sobriety will fix everything
“If drinking were our only problem, then once we stopped drinking, all our problems would be solved,” Berger says. The beauty of the 12 Steps is that we come to realize that we have a living problem and a drinking solution. We drank or used to numb ourselves out to those problems. Then our drug of choice became a problem on top of the existing problems that we tried to look away from.
3. Pursuing recovery with less energy than pursuing addiction
Berger says, “Recovery is without a doubt the road less traveled. It is a difficult road to follow—impossible if we are not 110 committed to the process.” He goes on to say, “As if that isn’t challenging enough, we are also faced with the reality that we need to make this commitment without a guarantee of the outcome.”
4. Being selectively honest
“We need to lance the boil and let all the puss drain. We need to discuss all of the things that we don’t want to talk about, especially our secrets—the things what we believe we would never share with anyone,” Berger says. One of the most powerful things that my sponsor said to me is that we are only as sick as our secrets. These are the shadow elements that we have hidden—even from ourselves—that still exert a strong force on our behaviors, just as we don’t see gravity but it affects all that we do.
5. Feeling special and unique
“This kind of thinking is based on the mistaken belief…that we don’t have to do what everyone else has done to develop a solid, robust recovery,” according to Berger. He draws the analogy to surgery. When we undergo a procedure, we can only hope that we respond like the average 80 percent who recover without complications. But in the twisted logic of the addict, we don’t want to see ourselves as average in our recovery. We see ourselves as special, and that has caused the relapse of the newcomer and the seasoned veteran.
6. Not making amends
When we justify our past behaviors because of the behavior of the people in our life, we fail to take responsibility for our life, our feelings, and our actions. By deflecting personal responsibility, we imperil our lasting recovery. Berger says: “To develop a strong spiritual foundation for recovery, it is essential that we accept full responsibility for our harmful and hurtful behavior and that we attempt to repair the damage that we have caused in our relationships with family, friends, and loved ones.”
7. Using the program to try to become perfect
Berger these perfectionistic traits in himself and in the addicts he has treated. It is a misguided attempt at gaining other people’s love by doing everything “perfectly”. He says, “Most of our life has been spent trying to be perfect. This has been a spurious goal. Instead we need to learn how to be more human.” He adds that he spent years using because he believed that being human was not good enough but that being imperfect was unacceptable. “This was the ultimate in self-alienation. It’s no wonder life sucked and I needed to get high.”
8. Confusing self-concern with selfishness
“Self-concern is different from selfishness. It does not exclude others; it is inclusive. Part of our self is concerned with cooperating with and pleasing others. These desires are natural and healthy, when they are balanced with our desire to be ourselves.” We need to practice standing in the center of the boat between pleasing others and being true to who we are.
9. Playing futile self-improvement games
At the heart of these games are using our new-found spirituality to avoid the character defects that continued self-discovery beyond our first 4th Step reveals. Instead, we pretend that our spirituality has allowed us to transcend our defects rather than confronting them in ourselves when they are surfaced. This is called spiritual bypassing.
10. Not getting help for relationship troubles
Relationships are the greatest challenge that any human being faces but is especially true for alcoholics and addicts. This is because we denied ourselves the very means by which all human beings mature emotionally by continually engaging our addiction. And that’s pain. Because we have avoided pain, we are all emotionally immature when we enter recovery. “Dysfunctional relationships are one of the top three causes of relapse,” according to Berger.
11. Believing that life should be easy
“Life is difficult. The sooner we are initiated into this reality, the sooner we learn how to deal with life on its terms rather than waste our time looking for the easy way.” We are continually bombarded by social media that tells us life is all lollypops and rainbows and that if it isn’t we are doing something wrong.
12. Using the program to handle everything
“No one can handle every personal issue with their program. Needing help is not an indication that something is wrong with our program,” Berger says. “The truth is quite the contrary: recognizing our need for additional help is an indication that we are working a good program.” Being defiantly self-reliant is certain to jeopardize our recovery.
What I’ve provided is a just quick introduction to Dr. Berger’s 12 Stupid Things that Mess Up Recovery. I encourage you to spend the 12 bucks to experience Berger’s wisdom for yourself. At just over a 100 pages, this book is a profound read. I’m confident that you will find Berger’s insights helpful and stabilizing to your recovery.
Contact me if you would like to work one-on-one on issues of addiction or issues in your recovery that are robbing you of your happiness such as depression, anxiety, relationships, confidence, and negative thoughts.
If you’d like to be free of your addiction, please contact me at FinalFreedomCoaching@gmail.com. My clients are working professionals who suffer from alcohol and drug addiction as well as behavioral addictions such as food, porn, and gambling. We can meet for our sessions in person or on Zoom.
RJ Handley, Addiction Recovery Coach